Is BDSM Really All That Bad?
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Posted by Bob and Dannah Gresh
Last week I (Dannah) wrote a blog entitled I’m Not Reading Fifty Shades Of Grey. The applause and outcry were mingled with questions. And tough questions they are! I would really not prefer to be the one to answer them, but someone has to. Especially when those asking are teenagers who are forming their value system concerning their sexual future. The question that’s rising to the surface of the Fifty Shades debate is this: “Is BDSM really all that bad? Can’t it be experienced in a marriage if both partners are in agreement?” As a married couple, we’d like to try to answer this question.
In several of the comments to the original blog on the book, Christian women defended BDSM. We’re grateful for their transparency and the gentle way in which at least one of the women presented her opinion. We took time to receive much counsel before presenting these thoughts.
To those teens who defended or questioned what is wrong with BDSM, I’m sad you even have to trudge through this topic.
To those married women that rose up to defend BDSM, we can only guess that your marriage beds are loving in all ways and at all times, and that there are never bruises, blood, or injury of any kind in any way. And that you are both equally interested in what we’d prefer to call some aggressive play. The tone of your messages tells us that this is so. If you have moments of playfulness that include pushing each other around without harm, holding one another up against the wall, or ripping off each other’s clothes…who are we to judge?
But be careful what you call it! Please, be careful what you call it.
(Dannah has counseled women who have taken naked photos for their husbands that no other eye has ever seen and it has never been of concern to her. She would never let them call this pornography.)
BDSM stands for Bondage. Dominance. Sadism. Masochism.
Sadism? Masochism? In psychiatry, the terms sadism and masochism describe a personality type characterized by the actor or actrix deriving pleasure and gratification from inflicting physical pain and humiliation. The terms specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain (sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain (masochist). These are words that are direct counterfeits of God’s attributes.
Bondage? Jesus came to set the captives free. (See Isaiah.)
Dominance? He emptied himself. (See Phil 2. Esteem one another.)
God never desires us to seek pain or to give pain to others. On the contrary, he created marriage to be a picture of his love. (See Ephesians 5:31,32) If that’s so, the marriage bed must be a tender reflection of deep knowing and respect. Why, he even uses the word yada to describe what should happen in that place. Yada means “to know, to be known, to be deeply respected.” No mention of the physical act happening, it is to transcend the physical to be an act of knowing and respect. In the marriage bed, we can experience this knowing.
Is the marriage bed always undefiled?
Some have argued that it is, no matter what happens in it. This is not true. To use that verse out of context is to imply that whatever goes on in the marriage bed is by definition “undefiled.” That is a perversion of the verse. It is the exact opposite of what that verse is trying to say. Marriage is honorable and the bed is TO BE undefiled. “Honorable”or “honoring” is the opposite of sadism, masochism, bondage and dominance. It is the ultimate oxymoron—the term “honorable sadist” may have never before been uttered.
The fact is we shouldn’t let the world abbreviate these words. Never shorten it to BDSM. Use the words. It’s a lot easier to “defend” the letters BDSM than it is to extol the virtues of bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism.
We challenge you to think of a worst word than sadism. Rape? No. That is just one characteristic of sadism. Torture? Just another tool of the sadist.
Even Satan must have a hard time believing he could get feminists to give up all their campaign for equality, rights, and power to promote bondage, powerlessness, and the rights of men to derive sexual satisfaction from chaining women and inflicting pain and humiliation. Can you imagine his surprise that he not only won over some feminists… But Christians as well. The only reasoning I can think of for feminists to capitulate and accept the utter perversion of everything they’ve worked for is the truth of the old adage that ” the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” So many Feminists consider biblical authority such an enemy that it becomes palatable to join in league with our enemy, Satan—even if it means giving up their cause. In reality, it shows what their true cause really is—emnity with God.
While it is OK to experience something rough and playful in the bedroom…nothing about BONDAGE, DOMINANCE, SADISM, OR MASOCHISM is undefiling or honorable.
Note: This post is based upon a comment I posted in response to a comment in the conversation regarding I’m Not Reading Fifty Shades Of Grey. Several readers asked if I could make it an entire blog post so that it could be shared. Here it is!
Let me begin by thanking you Dannah for the courage you showed by posting about this book.I mean after all, it is topping the bestseller list and it was necessary that someone evaluate the book in light of Scripture. I agree with your thoughts 101% and have prayed that the harsh responses of some may not downcast your heart and that the Holy Spirit will continue giving you boldness to speak truth in a world of so many shades of grey. Christ has and is using you to get the message of purity as far as where I am across the oceans. In deed, I have been blessed by all the books you’ve written that I have been fortunate to get my hands on.
My thoughts on Bondage, Dominance, Sadism & Masochism is that it is dominated by lust and where lust is there is no room for love because they are mutually exclusive. Lust chokes & kills true love. And where love does not exist, all kinds of disorder follow. Where lust is love checks out the window because lust is selfish and all about our pleasure and never about what you can give wholly. As christians we are called to put everything to test and keep that which is good and reject what is evil (1 Thes. 5:21 GNB). So before we rush to the defence of something we should ask God to test our hearts and help us walk in the way of truth (Ps. 26:2-3). This will help prevent us from being corrupted by the thinking of the world. We cannot afford to have our thinking mangled by the world because then we lose sight of God. We might argue that we are free to choose and no one has the right to impose their opinions on others. That’s true but let us remember that freedom is a gift (thank God for that) and like any gift, we ought not to abuse it. In this case by choosing sin no matter how sugar coated it is. All that frosting on a poisonous cake does not change it from being poisonous. All am saying is if anything could potentially harm our relationship with God and others, no matter how trivial, isn’t that reason enough to let it go? That’s what dying to self entails. Point is, let us seek God’s guidance in anything before we adopt it.
Thank you,thank you,thank you. Very well said. Thank you for standing for truth!
Thank you for making this its own post. I stand with your views oncerning this topic, and that you addressed it with wisdom and love.
Thank you so much for presenting this in a thoughtful gentle way. I kept seeing the cover pop up as a bestseller on all the book sites I visit and when I read the synopsis I was horrified. I have no desire to read about these things. I agree 100% that erotica is dangerous in that it creates that rut in your brain and soon you can only get excited from the erotica (whether you read, see, or imagine it). I also think that erotica, like porn is a progressive addiction and therefore what is exciting today won’t be so exciting in a month or two. It will be old hat and you’ll need something to further titillate. Eventually one could cross the line. I have so many friends reading this and they’re all gushing about how wonderful it is. I’m saddened because this is porn for women and many women have no idea what they’re stepping into until it’s too late. Much like men who start by looking at sexy photos in Maxim then they end up hooked on porn. I’m not saying everyone who looks at Maxim or reads these books is going to end up totally depraved. However, we all have addictive personalities and it’s so easy to be seduced by this stuff. Ladies please just be careful and pray about it first.
Thanks for the thoughts, ladies!
Thanks. Very true. Having lived the lifestyle before being saved, I can say it’s dangerous and NOT for the marriage bed. Pain and humiliation is not part of love. Ever.
Hi Dannah. First of all, I just want to say that I have read this book. I read it months ago after hearing a very vague story on the news. I haven’t told many people I read it or that I was reading it even though everyone around me seems to be talking about it now. I am embarrassed and I know it is because I feel convicted by my choice to read the book. I am single 27 year old that is no longer a virgin. I feel like I fall into a category that people don’t discuss because I am a Christian that unfortunately did not save her body for her husband. I haven’t had sex in several years, but I haven’t been in a relationship in that long as well. How can I live a life that is pleasing to God and respect this body that he gave me when I have damaged it so much? I also struggle with food addiction/binge eating and very low self esteem. In other words, I torture myself because of the mistakes I have made. Do you have any biblical insight as to what I should do now? Is it too late to honor God and my future husband? Can I expect a man to wait until marriage when I didn’t wait before him? These are questions that I have had in recent years and are brought to light even more because of this discussion and this book. Thank you for answering my questions.
Thank you!! I am always telling my husband and children that they should guard themselves against things they can’t “unsee” or “unhear.” Though I never considered whether or not I would read the book, the title says it all…shades of grey. The Bible is very clear, very black and white, about what we are to pursue and from what we should flee. Grey issues in life should always be filtered through His Word. Thanks for bringing that to light.
Thank you for your post!! I don’t plan on reading this book! I don’t need to. If someone feels like they lack intimacy I would suggest The Bible !! God wants us married couples to enjoy each other. Also Life way christian book store has many books on the subject. I say all this with love and no judgment.
Thank you for your insightful article responding to this book, Fifty Shades of Grey! I will tell others about your website and books after reading about your ministry!
I was shocked to see this book highlighted on the Dr. Oz show! I had not heard of it until then. I turned the show off after maybe four minutes so to be honest I don’t know that he “jumped on the bandwagon” but even bringing it to mass attention through his show to me was unacceptable! I hope his purpose was to make women aware of the physical and emotional danger of this type of behavior!
Beautifully said, friends! Thank you.
The world wants us to believe this sort of lifestyle is harmless–my hubby and I have counseled too many hurting people because of sexual sins.
Protect your marriage and honor God with what HE has entrusted you.
@Mel
Hi Mel. My heart goes out to you and I have prayed that God will wrap you and overwhelm you with His extravagant love. Let me encourage you that there is absolutely no sin that God cannot forgive. There is no wound that His stripes (that He endured on our behalf) cannot heal. I know, perhaps you have heard this over and over and the challenge is believing it, but really, you can take Him at His word.He makes all things new and the old is gone (2 Corinthians 5:17, Colossians 2:14-15). I believe that you can trust God to provide a man who honours Him (and you) enough not to hold your past against you. Meanwhile, as you wait for him, let God be your first love, your prince & knight in shining armor. God has and will supply all that is necessary to live a Godly life, body and soul (2 Peter 1:3-4) and is able to present you as pure and blameless before God (Jude 1:24). Could I also suggest that you get a copy of Dannah’s What are you waiting For: The one thing no one tells you about sex. It addresses what you are going through and will prove helpful. Another great resource for your struggle with food addiction and sexual woundedness is settingcaptivesfree.com, it’s got great stuff that helped me a lot as well. God loves you, He does and He is waiting to give you a crown of beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)
@Mel
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh,in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” Romans 8:1-11. Mel, I join with africanprincess in praying that God will remind you of his love and forgiveness, and I encourage you to take hope in that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ.
@Mel
To Mel, I read your comment on here earlier today and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I really felt I needed to come back and leave you a word of encouragement. You sound like you are at a place where I was when I was your age.
I am 41 now, married almost 11 years & I have four young boys. But, before that, I lived a life that went against everything I’d been taught. I grew up in a Christian home. I accepted Christ at an early age. I lived the ‘right’ life and sought God’s will until I was in my early 20′s. Then, when I moved out of my parent’s house, I suddenly was confronted with life & decisions and I failed miserably.
I was a late bloomer (I also have struggled with food issues & low self esteem also). I didn’t date during high school & only slightly during college….not because I didn’t want to, but because no-one asked! I started to change the way I dressed & carried myself and while I felt ‘pretty’ for the first time in my life, it wasn’t a true sense of worth. And, that’s what got me into trouble.
I began dating more after I graduated from college & made poor choices in men. Sexual activity became a slippery slope. As I allowed more and more advances to be made, I thought they’d like me more, but, in truth, it only made me feel worse about myself. Once I committed the ‘ultimate act of rebellion’ against God (this is how I saw it) & lost my virginity, I felt like there was no turning back.
I entered a vicious cycle of promiscuity & self destructive behaviors. And, all along I felt God calling me back to Him. But, my shame was too great. I didn’t see how God could ever forgive me. And, I certainly didn’t see how a Christian man would ever consider me for a Godly wife.
Then, I met the man who was to become my husband, a Christian man. I was 28. He was 24. I thought he was far too young & innocent to become a serious relationship. But, he pursued me. And, even though I told him about my past…which I was SURE would scare him off…he said that it didn’t matter to him. He saw me for who I really was inside and who I could become.
In other words, he showed me boundless Grace….Grace that reflected that of the Father’s. And, although it took time, healing began. There’s so much more to this story. But I wanted to say this to you – Do not let shame consume you! It is a lie of the enemy that you aren’t worthy… or that a Christian man could love you.
There is unconditional love for you! Love from God & ,someday, love from a Godly man!
Thank you for posting this. This comes from a 23 year old woman who was abused through childhood and early teens. I know what bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism is. I experienced it. And you teens and young people reading this- it’s NOT harmless. Dannah, thank you for speaking the truth boldly in love. I had never heard of you until a friend posted this on FB. I will be checking in more often, for sure! You are right on. Blessings!
I had posted a comment on the original review of the book, but feel that I would like to post here in a little more detail on this particular topic. Prior to coming to the walk of a believer, my husband and I were deeply involved in the world of BDSM (which I had always referred to as Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, b/c B/D by itself is Bondage and Discipline) I agree totally with the sentiment of your words, Dannah, and only want to voice an agreement with a slightly different perspective. I was never actually physically or sexually abused as a child, but I was exposed to fantasy literature and graphic imagery at a very young age. Before I ever had a sexual encounter, my ideas of sexuality and intimacy were wrapped up in fictional images, lust, and depravity. This translated into the sexual encounters I later sought, and I viewed sex as a game or a power struggle. Before committing to my husband, this meant it was a game I was trying to manipulate and win. After getting married, it turned into a role reversal where I desperately sought to feel “mastered”… which led us to BDSM. In my opinion…
Bondage: What is the actual difference in being restrained against your will, and simulating being restrained against your will? Why is being restrained exciting? It is a simulation of being forced to give physical love or pleasure. Whether or not you are acting consentually, you must admit to yourself that the “idea” of having this taken from you by force sexually arouses you… and examine within yourself if the origin of this arousal is godly.
Discipline/Dominance: The Scriptural nature of a relationship between a man and woman is that of dominance and submission. But it is a submission of honour and love, and a dominance of headship and responsibility. A submission that is forced, simulating being forced, or humiliating is a twisting of this natural order.
Sadism: Cruelty, violence, and the desire to inflict pain are never godly. Torture is evil… and the simulation of torture for sexual pleasure is the simulation of something evil. That said, enjoying “rough play” or an intense sexual experience which borders on or even includes pain is not in my opinion the same thing as simulating torture.
Masochism: Self-harm or the desire to be harmed are identified in Scripture with a demonic presence repeatedly. The desire to be harmed or humiliated comes from a place of shame and pain, and is never godly or god-given.
I believe that all of these tendencies and expressions of sexual desire come out of searching for the true and blessed relationship between husband and wife, which is itself a picture of our correct relationship with our Heavenly Father. A wife walking in fulfilled submission to a husband in masterful and righteous headship. If you have to simulate force, I think it is your fleshly nature battling your true role while your being truly longs for it, and so seeking to be “subdued” into it. I am not addressing the flip side of this which is female Dom/male sub… but I think the implications of that role reversal are Scripturally obvious. Now, with all that said… I do believe there is a righteous and healthy way to be passionate, creative, even wild. There is nothing wrong with passionate love in marriage…. read Song of Solomon! Your husband IS your master, and willingly submitting to his desires is a blessing. Your body DOES belong to him, you don’t have to pretend. I have found that having the REAL thing and realizing it far surpasses any play you could imagine.
Let me attempt to redefine BDSM for you.
Bondage: Christ freed us from a oppressive, evil bondage of sin. This is not at all comparable to my husband binding me for pleasure.
Dominance: The dominance (and submission) that happen within a BDSM relationship are illusions. Power is exchanged for a specific amount of time, but ultimately, anything the submissive DOESN’T want to happen simply won’t. There are safe words, limits, and communication established before hand.
Sadism/Masochism: Go hand in hand. Pain and pleasure are two side of the same coin. For many, many people they are intimately related. Can I find pleasure in the bedroom with my husband without pain? Absolutely, and I often do. But if it is something I desire, and it is something he is willing to give, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is consensual and bound by strict, safe limits. Pain that I did not consent to would of course NEVER be pleasurable for me, nor would my husband ever consider it.
If BDSM is not for you, then please, never attempt it. But it is NOT rape, assault, or sinful. The FACT is that the Bible does not speak about the subject, and the verses you quoted are far from addressing it. My initial attraction to the man I married was that he strove to be Christ-like daily. That has not changed over the years.
Don’t subscribe to the common misconceptions about BDSM. Can it be done wrong? Yes. Is it? Absolutely. But saying that there is a limit to how two consenting married Christians can monogamously enjoy each other is really not that far off from early missionaries telling converts that certain sexual positions are not pleasing to God, and that sex is purely for the conception of children.
Just because it is far from your tastes does not make it wrong.
Lissa
I agree Lissa about avoiding stereotypes here— BDSM relationships are established on a huge amount of trust, trust which might be absent in many “vanilla” (to borrow from 50 Shades of Grey”) sex encounters due to the simple fact some married couples don’t talk openly about sex, limitations, and fantasy. BDSM by nature involves one person being able to trust another person to have complete control, and before they enter into any type of BDSM relationship, boundaries have to be established. There is something that “vanilla” sex practitioners could learn from this type of relationship: transparency, honesty, and listening. Furthermore, there are scholars who put a spin on the whole notion of the submissive being powerless. Interestingly enough, they argue that the submissive in fact holds all the power because the dominant partner operates according to their taste, desires, and ultimately fulfills the submissive’s fantasy; the submissive pulls the strings.
Okay, I realize that I’m talking to people who have very black and white views about the particular topic, but here we go:
BDSM is different for every person in it. Many people have these submissive desires, and growing up in a Christian home as someone who naturally feels submissive, I grew up thinking that there was a whole part of me that was “wrong”.
Now, for some people involved in BDSM, you are very very right, it’s about dominance and proving control and pain and humiliation. However, the people involved in these types of BDSM relationships rarely last. There is no basis of trust or mutual understanding.
As much as I tried to suppress it, submission is a part of me, and the part most people don’t understand is that it’s not about someone TAKING from me, it’s about GIVING to another person. This is the key difference between any kind of destructive or successful relationship, but especially with BDSM relationships.
As a submissive, I am not there for people to take from. I do not submit to any and every man who expresses interest. I save myself for someone I can trust and I am comfortable with. I give of myself. When he ties me up, it shows how much I trust him. When I do silly or odd things because he tells me to, it shows that I respect him. I am not one to get turned on by pain, though those people are out there and I have tried it. But if I do something physically demanding for him, it’s because I know he’ll take care of me after.
The large majority of healthy BDSM relationships are based on submission, not dominance. In fact, most men who are able to maintain healthy BDSM relationships and identify as ‘dominant’ started as submissives, and realized that they enjoy caring for the submissive as well. Many couples often switch these roles.
Submissive urges and desires for BDSM relationships, or at least experiments, are scientifically proven to be real. Many of you would argue that this lifestyle is based in lust, however personally, it’s not the sex I’m looking for, it’s the opportunity to submit. I want to give him full control of me, knowing full well that he won’t use it. It’s the ultimate display of trust.
I don’t expect to win over anyone with this post, but I have done the best I can to describe what healthy BDSM relationships really are, and I can only hope that you will be a bit more hesitant next time you want to condemn something you don’t understand. It’s one thing to look into a situation, especially a sexual one, and write it off as impure and lustful without understanding why the people involved are attracted to it in the first place.
I apologize, reading through your comments on “I’m not reading 50 shades of grey” I didn’t see you comment saying you wouldn’t publish anything with BDSM. You have permission to replace the letters for what they stand for, however please keep in mind that the letters mean different things to different people. Bondage/Domination/Sadism/Masochism is the most common, and it is most frequently used just because of the familiarity. I would like to point out that those four words do not describe everyone involved. Especially the last two. There are actually many many people who oppose people identifying themselves as Sadists or Masochists, as Safe, Sane, and Consensual can be found on any BDSM based website.
That being said, I apologize again, however please keep in mind that SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) is the biggest acronym in the ‘lifestyle’ after BDSM, and the meaning, identities and connotations of the meaning of those letters are much debated.
Thank you so much for this comment @ayra. I’m rather late to the topic because I just came across it via a single friend of mine. I have no interest in reading the book, but I do strongly oppose a blanket opposition to BDSM that is based on misinformation.
When my rather innocent Christian husband came to me and asked about using blindfolds and such in our bedroom, I was rather confused at first because he blushes when someone says “That’s what she said.” But over the years, I’ve come to cherish this side of him that is secret only between the two of us. I ended up buying a well-respected and not graphic non-fiction guide book on the subject to learn more about being a submissive, and what we practice is Dominant/submissive or servant/Master (which is what I always think the S/M stands for).
In my opinion, when I am being submissive in the bedroom, it is a picture of how I probably should be all the time as a Christian wife. My husband, as my master, would never ask me to do anything that would cause real harm to me. He knows his limits and mine, as a loving dominant always should. I trust him completely with every aspect of my life. He is in his everyday life a quiet man, and I am naturally loud and bossy. In these private moments, the balance is tipped a little more in his favor, but for us it gives great pleasure.
I have no doubt that the lifestyle among singles is very sinful. But I could not imagine asking my good, kind, hardworking husband to give it up just because it is sometimes misused by others.
@MrsM
THANK YOU!
“He is in his everyday life a quiet man, and I am naturally loud and bossy. In these private moments, the balance is tipped a little more in his favor, but for us it gives great pleasure.”
This has helped my own marriage so much – I am the same, I am kind of bossy and overbearing, my husband is much kinder and gentler and patient than I am. I look up to him for that and try to be more like that, so this “power exchange” experience in the bedroom has been so great, “play acting” this scenario out has helped me explore being more submissive, and its also helped HIM find a voice, this kind of play acting can be helpful for couples, this creates a safe space to try that, sometimes a “fantasy” situation is a good place to create a dialogue. Its a amazing thing…its nothing like what has been presented here.
I just hope that those of us who have had positive experiences can have a voice in this dialogue, I just feel like this topic has been turned into some scary fiction, and as much as I love so much of what the author of these articles has brought to light, this really hit a nerve.
I would challenge you to dig deep and even read the prior posts. All I can say is I would never want you around my kids or having ANY sort of leadership role in the church. @Lissa
Remind me again why you get to exact judgement on what people choose to do with their lives? Just wondering. Jesus reclaimed all sinners in his death, so that whoever beliefs in him will be saved right? So if the man or women I love thinks it would be fun to engage in a little roll playing, would that be okay? How about oral sex? In my opinion: BDSM isn’t good. or bad. I really just couldn’t care less about what anyone else does with their lives. The bible reiterates one thing above all else: LOVE. And If you can find love in something I say more power to ya. It is the saddest of things when mainstream christianity becomes an outward moral police rather than a community seeking enlightenment.
Thank you for standing for women everywhere. I have felt like I’m a prude among many women I know, but continue to follow my convictions. Now I know I’m not the only one!!
Just dropping a comment here as well to let you know that I did, indeed, read this post as well… and you still haven’t done the proper research into what BDSM actually is. You take what you think it is and then look at what the Bible says about that.
Unfortuantely for you, what you THINK it is and what it REALLY is are two completely different things.
I’m sorry that you appear to be so close-minded about the subject, even when this blog post is supposedly done so “graciously” to respond to a couple of comments you received.
Hi Dannah. Hope you don’t mind a post coming into the discussion so late on. When I was searching online last night for the words “Jesus heals BDSM” I found scarcely anything that was sensible and good except the debate on this site, and that’s with searching the world wide web. 50 Shades has brought the issue right into the public domain and there will be an increasing concern among Christians about how to respond. Debates online soon turn into for and against.
I haven’t read the prevous discussion right thru but I’m interested to read that Dr Drew has major concerns about the book. He probably understand what’s happening deep inside like sexualised depression. My concern is about the addictive element. What appears to be expressive can easily have far too much influence on a person’s life without the person noticing it sufficiently.
The problem in Christian circles is that it’s not something a person can very easily share about and ask for support with. There needs to be easily findable sources of Christian support for people to move on from BDSM. It seems to be a common enough fantasy in men but they must be strong and resist their feelings and go for sexual wholeness. Women and girls are not for hitting, ever, OK.
Some people have said that “it” is OK for married couples so long as it’s consensual, well what does “it” consist of ? Although there’s a humungous difference between mild hand smacks to a safe area and heavy beating, one thing can lead to another. At least keep it mild, but hugs and gentle touch have gotta be better.
It’s possible that as BDSM activity reduces in a person the yearning for and sense of the need for God increases and replaces the yearning for BDSM and whole spaces inside start to feel better. God’s healing is gentler than BDSM.
Phillipians 4:8 says think of the things that are good and true.
Gradually or quickly, whichever, Jesus heals BDSM. Let’s say so ! Glory be to the Holy Trinity !
And as I sit and read more, just who says you get to say what is and is not appropriate to say about a Lifestyle you don’t even lead? Sorry, but the acronym that you’ve said you won’t publish IS the appropriate way to refer to this Lifestyle.
It can also be referred to D/s, M/s, or many other ways, but these are only small portions of the all-encompassed Lifestyle that the original acronym covers.
And as @ayra and others have stated, YOUR definition of what the acronym means may be completely different than what someone else has been taught. There’s Bondage/Dominance/Sado-Masochism, Bondage/Dominance/Submission/Masochism, Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism, Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism… and many more. This Lifestyle is different for each who participates in it, as others have said, and as much as you seem to think it is, it’s not up for you to decide what is and is not appropriate. It’s not your Lifestyle to dictate.
And as far as your judgments of those of us that participate in this Lifestyle, allow me to remind you of Romans 2:1:
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else. F or at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
@Mel
Mel,
The very first step you must take is in the understanding that God loves you where you are right now. You are carrying a burdens that are no longer yours to carry. That was the gift you received with salvation. Bring it to God and then leave it there. The person you are right now is the one that God wants to work with and it is clear from your post that you want to walk with Him. Put your faith and trust in God and allow Him to light the path under your feet. You are already the person He wants you to be. Allow Him to be your shield.
Blessings and love,
Don
@Mel
God loves you where you are now. You have to learn to leave the burdens you are carrying at the cross, they were paid for by the blood of Christ. They are not meant for you to carry any longer. We all make blunders that we wish we had not, that is the nature of sin. There is forgiveness available but you have to learn to leave it. Trust in God and He will light your path.
Blessings and love,
Don
@Lissa
Lissa,
Wishing for something does not make it so.
I believe you are attempting to use the ‘Eve in the Garden’ argument. Eve is out for a stroll when she finds herself stnding in front of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. After a brief exchange of words, the serpent says, “God did not REALLY say you would actually die if you ate this fruit did he?” It was in this brief moment of doubt that mankind was lost.
Your argument that the Word has no mention of specific relevance to BDSM runs the same course. We have become legalist; people that look at how far we can push the limits of God’s will before we actually cross the line. When we look at anything that comes from God, we have to seek the holy nature in it. Sex, in its purest form, is a gift from God and pleases God. It is a holy union between one man and one woman. When we allow ourselves to listen to the serpent’s whispers and perverse this holy act by adding physical pain or other perversions, we are no longer acting as God intended but following other paths of hedonism.
I will not place judgment on what anyone does in the sanctity of their own bedroom, however it would be irresponsible of me to allow someone to continue to run blindly toward the edge of a cliff without at least trying to stop them. If you still feel you are doing nothing wrong under the eyes of God, then the burden rests on you now if you are mistaken.
Peace and love,
Don
@ayra
“Submissive urges and desires for BDSM relationships, or at least experiments, are scientifically proven to be real.”
These urges are also considered an issue in the psycholgical world. They are not considered to be healthy associations.
Trust is built on knowing that someone will NEVER hurt you or expect you to do something that will cause you discomfort. Trust is something that invloves knowing that your absolute BEST interests are at heart not selfish acts of fulfillment. When you submit in such a fashion, you make your partner less connected to your needs and more focused on their own pleasures. You become a thing, an object. A non person. This is NOT the way God envisioned two people to be in unison.
This is an interesting article. I am a Christian woman and have read 50 Shades. I hadn’t plan on doing so until someone at work invited me to read it, because in real life I am author of four other romance novels. To my surprise, I was deeply affected by the book because of one reason alone, that as a child I was sexually abused. I totally related to the character of Christian Grey, who was abused as a child too. Why he was into BDSM was because of his inward demons and struggles and his propensities toward sadistic behavior.
There is one line in the book that frankly tells it like it is for those who have been abused: “I don’t know any other way. This is who I am.”
My childhood sexual abuse gave me masochist tendencies which I have struggled with my entire life. To no fault of my own, a pedophile in my neighborhood lured me to his bedroom repeatedly, pinned me underneath him, and masturbated upon my body. I prostituted myself for a Hershey candy bar to let him use me. When I should have been playing with dolls, I was aroused at five and six years old learning about sex. I grew up as a child hurting myself sexually, masturbating myself at an early age, and that behavior continued for many years.
I was saved when I was 26 at a Billy Graham Crusade. Do you think I was suddenly freed from what had been ingrained in me since childhood because my sins were forgiven? No, I wasn’t. I am 62 years old now and still get aroused at that thought of being bound sexually, given pain, and used by another man. Shocking isn’t it.
No amount of bible reading, praying for deliverance, or regeneration of my mind has changed that within my brain. It’s a medical fact that a child’s brain can be physically affected by childhood abuse that is irreversible.
It’s very easy to spout off scriptures and thoughts about how God has created sex to be a loving wonderful relationship. It may shock you, but millions have never experienced a loving wonderful relationship. It’s another thing to have that ripped from you as a child when you are five years old and to struggle with thoughts and desires that never leave you.
Whether you call it demonic activity or think I’m a sinner that never really got saved, is your choice. I can only say that not everything is cut in dry. It’s not my fault that I am this way.If salvation of my spirit occurred, my body will rot in the grave any my propensities toward bondage with rot with it. That shouldn’t be the focus.
It bothers me when everything is so black and white in the Christian community. You talk of TRUST. What about those who don’t know how to trust because of abuse? Do you think God envisioned me being abused at five years of age? Was that His perfect plan? Am I to be thrown away because my body still desires to be bound and hurt, whether or not I carry out that behavior or not? Sex in its purest form will NEVER exist for me, because that innocence was taken from me by force.
Please don’t preach about being set free. There are some things like childhood sexual abuse that you can overcome, but the scars are forever there.
It’s not always that cut and dry, folks. It’s not always about sin. It’s not always about the law. It sometimes needs to be about understanding of the suffering and unconditional love and acceptance for those who suffer from the desire to be bound and hurt to no fault of their own. Some are born with those propensities. Some, like me, learn those desires. Don’t condemn. Don’t preach about deliverance. Especially, if you haven’t walked in the shoes of others.
Hello Anonymous, Just read your sad beginnings as an innocent child. I am so sorry you had to go through such hardship and that no one was there to protect you from this horrible trauma that directed you into a life of needing to keep the pattern of abuse. I too was abused in many ways and I remember having sexually perverted dreams at age 6. I did not like having these dreams and was embarrassed when I would wake up. I felt they were not good dreams. As time went on I too fell into promiscuous sexually behavior of just allowing boys to take advantage of me when they wanted to. I couldn’t understand why back then but I know I just needed to feel some of acceptance. I wasn’t accepted by my own mother or sisters. Because I did not like my lifestyle I did go on a search to find out how to help myself to love myself and accept myself as a beautiful loving person. It has been a long journey but I really believe that I have reached that place finally. It was all about surrendering my own logic for a pure logic. I started practicing replacing my own negative logic about myself for positive ones.I started memorizing Bible verses that say how God looks at us. I also went through several deliverance group sessions too. I do know who we wrestle against because I saw it as a child that we are not alone in this world. Just because we don’t see things doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I have found that we as Christians have the power of the Holy Spirit to stop any kind of evil lie that tries to dominate our mind. We just have to want to change before it will begin to happen. The word of God is more powerful than any two edged sword and it can separate the joints from the marrow and the soul from the spirit and it can judge the attitudes of our hearts. Gods word is the only way to stop evil from destroying our lives. We just have to make the decision to believe in what God’s words say they can do. Our will is ours to use. Once we submit our will over to God to allow him to show us how to step out of our fear and bondage then we can slowly begin to become free enough to start to see clearer His desires for our lives. To live a life of peace that transcends all understanding. We can’t underestimate the power of God’s words. They are life and not just in the human sense but in the spiritual sense. Why do you think the devil has done everything he can to wipe God’s words out of schools. The words of God are the only thing that keeps us safe from the enemy completely destroying us. I hope this reply will be of some help to you. I have finally found my peace but it took awhile to find it and it wasn’t an easy journey but I always knew God was there with me. I just had to be willing to allow him to show me the right way to freedom.
A whole lotta judgement goin’ on. It seems SO you-centric to dismiss Others because their kink is different from yours. Maybe it rocks your world to read Song of Songs and pray before sex, maybe it rocks your world to look into your spouse’s eyes while you make love, maybe it rocks your world to see your spouse go utterly senseless while you put the motion in the ocean. How on earth did you get so pretentious to tell someone that what a CONSENTING husband and wife do behind closed doors is wrong because it doesn’t fit your white bread mold?
Please tell me how it is shameful for me to take great joy in serving my husband with my body in mutually agreed upon ways? How is this different than me serving him by raising our children in mutually agreed upon methods? Or by spending money in mutually agreed upon ways? It’s wrong because its more intense? Because YOU define it as rough and harmful? We don’t. We define your closed minds and holier-than-those-kinky-godless-sinners attitude as harmful.
Marrieds: enjoy each other, wholly and to the fullest. Explore your spouse & their body to whatever extent pleases you both.
Your thinking is faulty! You are leaving the door open for ANYTHING in the marriage bed. That’s dangerous territory. Hebrews 13:4 says “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” What a power-packed verse. The fact that marriage bed is to be kept pure is significant! You see, we are not just told to be pure before our wedding night but also after. The marriage bed is holy! Without some integration of other scriptural principals into your marriage relationship, where do you draw the line? Is it OK for one spouse to demand sex if that is what he/she finds arousing? Is it OK to bring other people into the marriage bed? If you take the approach you are offering above, you leave these questions and others on the table. While I wholeheartedly agree that you can and should enjoy each other to the fullest, there are obvious guidelines to be applied…with or without a Christian worldview.
Dannah,
You blog post was refreshing in that you talked about an issue most people would avoid. You also made some great points. However, I think the issue of “how much is too much” for sexual encounters in terms of BDSM within a marriage should be left up to the couple, but I also think that couple has a responsibility to themselves and God to filter their practices based on scripture. This is however, their job, and not necessarily the job of other Christians to write a manual on what types of sex are ok or not. While BDSM can be abused and be less than honoring, so can plain old sex (again considering your pressuring your spouse example), but I don’t see people rushing to tell us to be cautious of “vanilla” sex. Furthermore, this issue of what is proper for the marriage bed should refrain from using one particular style of sexual lifestyle, such as BDSM, to launch as discussion of what is ok and what is not. This singles out a sexual lifestyle and ends up demonizing people who might already have a hard enough time explaining to others the appeal of their particular sexual appetites. Instead, the discussion would be more productive centered around general principles/scriptures ANYONE can use to evaluate their sexual choices, regardless of any fetish or lack of fetish a husband and wife mutually consent to. Also, one of the biggest aspects of BDSM relationships are transparency, a clear discussion of boundaries, and transparency these are aspects sex therapist are constantly pushing in “vanilla” sex. Perhaps, Christian couples completely adverse to these type of sexual appetites could take away and employ these healthy communication practices in their own sex lives to honor one another even more, even if they don’t think BDSM is for them. There’s always something to be learned from everyone and everything, even if it ends up being what not to do.
Hi, my name is Jessica. I loved a 24/7 BDSM relationship for three years, the five years before that I played in it. Ok I am getting to get personal here. Since I first started having sexual thoughts it was tailored to pain and ppl men controlling me. I did not even know there was a such lifestyle out there I was just a young preteen. At 18 I googled it and found such freedom in the fact that I was not the only one who craved these things. My first year or so in it I denied there was any sexual side of it for me. I just want a discplrian, someone to guide me and punish me when I did wrong. He pushed me to get honest and admit that there was a sexual side. 65% of my interactions in the lifestyle was not sexual. I had to have someone to control me at first it was just a mentor by the time I got out of it I could not leave the house without my Dom knowing exactly where I was at, I could not eat certain things, I could not work certain places. I know this makes some of you cringe but at that point I took comfort in it. I was trained well to be submissive. This lifestyle is very evil but most people on it believed they where made that way because the desire has been there for so long. In 2010 my Dom told me I had to get help I was cutting so deep that I had to super glue my leg back together. He was a ‘Christian’ man and pushed for it to Christ based. Little did I know my life really would be changed. The Holy Spirit put such pressure on me I felt like I was going to die if I did not tell the councilor of the facility I was at. I did not plan on coming out of it when I told her!!! It was who I was, it was my identy and I was good at it. Over the next few weeks I got saved and realized how much damage the lifestyle had done to me. It was pure heck, I missed these relationships. I did not know how to live without it. I cried myself to sleep every night. God did allot of healing over the next few months. I no longer want the lifestyle BUT the sexual desire are still there. This breaks my heart, I want to be pure!! I want God to take it away. I have begged, I have been prayed for, I have fasted and it is still there. I went a year without feeding it and then allowed my mind go back there. I am single and have not been with anybody in two and half years. If anybody has walked through this personally I would love some advice. To the people who thinks the lifestyle is all fun and games please considering what it can become. I started out light, playing around before it was over I was in so deep I have permanent marks from the beatings I CONSENTED to. I could not get enough of it. I will not judge anybody who reads the book or is playing in things of the lifestyle. I sit here crying over it bc I know the danger and I know what satan does with it. I have yet found anybody who has come out of it. It is also in the santic bible. I am sorry if this was too exploit if it needs to be removed I understand and respect your blog. I did not find out about the book till four months ago, everybody kept telling me I needed to read it so thank God I googled it and I sat there with tears running down my face. The enemy had managed to main stream the lifestyle. God bless and thanks for tackling this subject.
Sweet one, I just found your comment tonight. I’m going to pray and connect with you privately about what steps may be taken to encourage you and help in your journey. I don’t want you to walk alone.