Pure Freedom

Take a breath. Slow down. Dating doesn’t have to be so rushed. It does have to be right.

[Bonus material from Get Lost.]

“The purposes of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Proverbs 20:5

As the sun set on Tuesday, I went to God. He sat with me on my little country porch. Me in the white rocker and Him within the grand peace of the day ebbing away.

I told him how empty I was. That my life just felt like all the purpose had been wrung out of it. Have you ever felt like that? Do you today? If you’re coming to me fresh from the pages of Get Lost this may surprise you. But even those of us who fill others up, often find ourselves empty. This week, I did.

In my parched hunger, I opened my Bible. Proverbs 20 because it was the twentieth day of the month and I read one book of Proverbs a day. Only on this day, I got stuck on verse five because….well it filled me.

It happened this way. The words like a cozy blanket wrapped themselves around me: “The purposes of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Then…A picture in my head. One like this.

Our purpose—a place of deep refreshment no matter how much work and intention it takes to get to it—lies deep within the well. But often our buckets hang unused. As mine as been. The well is not dry, but our buckets can be.

It takes “understanding” to use our buckets. Understanding is our judgement or our outlook. The way we choose to perceive things. I have not been perceiving things—myself especially—well as of late. I’m tired and my bucket of understanding is empty. How to fill it?

My mind was filled again with a picture. Of my sweet, wonderful mother.

I realize that a mother gives us the ability to have a healthy outlook on  life…or an unhealthy one. She “fills the bucket with understanding.” I know my mom poured a healthy outlook into my life from day number one. I read my baby book. Gushing with optimism and pride over every effort. From a slobbering pressing to push a tooth through my bright pink gums to a toddling attempt at taking my first step, she poured possibility in to me.

Not all of us have mothers who fill our buckets well. I think of the three precious ones who were kidnapped ten years ago. Taken from their mothers. One mother never stopped pouring optimistic hope into her lost Amanda. They say she died of a broken heart believing her daughter was still out there somewhere. Hoping beyond hope. Amanda was the girl who never stopped believing she had purpose though raped and held hostage. A young mother herself, she waited ten long years for the one chance to escape and rescue the others. Her bucket was well-filled and the most horrific of circumstances could not drive out her drive for purpose.

Another had a mom who did not know how to fill her Michelle’s bucket with hope. This daughter went into that house empty and came out only because she was forced. Her bucket had no understanding. No judgement or outlook to press her to try. (Oh what I would give to tell Michelle how precious she is. That she has purpose. Value. To help her pick up that heavy empty bucket and fill it with outlook!)

I want to dip my bucket back into the deep well of truth, but my understanding has run dry. I’m forgetting how to have an outlook that presses me to the hard work of dipping down into the deep well. And I refuse to be a girl who cannot see purpose in the most difficult of circumstances.

So I have declared it a summer of Me and Mom.

We will shop in Lititz where the stores are quaint and adorable. We will journey to hear my dear friendNancy Leigh DeMoss who also fills my bucket so very well.

We will put my girls into a car for a road trip. More shopping. Lots of eating. And we will journey to hear the wonderful Beth Moore in the Dunkin Donuts Center. (I may even have some Dunkin Donuts. I prefer Blueberry Cake or Glazed.)

My bucket is already feeling fuller. Like it’ll have the weight it needs to drop down deep into the well of purpose again by the end of this summer of Me and Mom. And this is how God has designed it to work, isn’t it? For those older women in my life to train me. (Titus 2:4) Because sometimes I forget.

This may not seem like a blog about marriage or dating, but you would be wrong. Because—you see—there is no greater purpose than that of wife and mother, if God would choose to call you to these roles. And that’s the primary thing these older women in my life teach me. So I never forget.

Do you have an older woman in your life teaching you?

“Have you had sex with this man?” Dannah Gresh asked that question of an audience staring at a big screen photo of NFL football player Tim Tebow during TEDxPSU on March 16^th. The audience of nine hundred, mostly Penn State University students, was challenged to consider if it was possibly intolerance of virginity that led the media to print the question along with the offer of a one million dollar ransom for anyone who could prove they’d taken Tebow’s virginity. She then used social science to debunk the myths that perpetuate the lie that those who embrace their virginity are doomed to have bad sex, proving not only that those who reserve sex for marriage have great sex but when you have sex with anyone “your body makes a promise whether you do or not.

TED is a globally recognized, by-invitation-only think tank of speeches used by educators and students and is billed as “ideas worth spreading.” Dannah proposed that tolerance for virginity was an idea worth spreading and was invited to present. If Gresh’s speech gets enough traffic it will be moved to the main TED website and the idea of tolerance for virginity will be promoted across the globe. Please consider sharing it on your Facebook page, Twitter feed, or through email.

Get Lost by Dannah Gresh from waterbrook multnomah on Vimeo.

Waterbrook Multnomah invites you to the book launch of Get Lost: Your Guide to Finding True Love.

Celebrate Dannah’s recent milestone of reaching the one million mark in career sales as she dedicates her most recent book to Heather Bullock whose life was transformed by And the Bride Wore White. Dannah will also share brief remarks on our communities cooperative effort to bring sexual wholeness to Penn State students and give you a sneak peak of her yet to be released TED Talk.

May 13, 2013
6:30-8:30 pm

Ramada Inn State College, PA
1450 South Atherton Street

Hor D’oeuvres and Drinks Served

RSVP by phone or email required.
814-234-6072 • eileen@purefreedom.org

An appeal will be made to support the ministries of Pure Freedom and its projects including our Secret Keeper Girl New York City Outreach.

Take a breath. Slow down. Dating doesn’t have to be so rushed. It does have to be right.

[Bonus material from Get Lost.]

A recent Wall Street Journal article inquired, “Where Have All The Good Men Gone?” A current Amazon best-seller asks, Is There Anything Good About Men? Since the 2004 coining of the word “adultescent,”[i] we’ve had something to call the young adult male who is so busy playing Call of Duty on his Playstation 4 that he doesn’t actually have a real life call of duty. No honor. No integrity. No goodness. Just a seventh grade mind-set and responsibility-level trapped in the flabby body of an adult who often still lives at home or in a tacky bachelor pad with other adultescents. I’ve written at length about this in a book for mothers entitled Six Ways To Keep The Good In Your Boy, and I don’t think it’s all the fault of men and boys. Women have something to do with it, too, but it’s a very real plight and as you seek a life partner you should be aware of it. The phenomenon is what has caused Kay S. Hymowitz to pen the book, Manning Up, in which she writes:

“Not so long ago, average mid-twentysomethings, both male and female, had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: high school diploma, financial independence, marriage, and children. These days [the males] hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance.”[ii]

High school English teacher Joe Carmichiel has written a book entitled Permanent Adolescence: Why boys Don’t Grow Up, because “A large number of today’s teenagers especially boys see no reason to accept or pursue adulthood since it is of so little value to the larger culture.”[iii]

And women are frustrated with this. I spoke to one nineteen-year-old who had already worked her way through beauty school and was paying her bills with a great job, but lamented that she had to date someone at least thirty years old in order to find a maturity level that matched hers. She was looking for a good man. Just one good man.

As she should be.

Robert Coles, a pioneer in the field of moral intelligence, brings clarity to the definitions of goodness:

“good…boys…have learned to take seriously the very notion, the desireability of goodness—living up to the Golden rule.”[v] Whereas bad boys display a “heightened destructive self-absorption, in all its melancholy stages.” In essence, we go bad when “we lose sight of our obligation to others.”[vi]

Goodness is the quality that makes us put others ahead of ourselves. It’s the moral compass that keeps the world safe, happy, and working. It’s the drive that makes us want to function in families rather than isolation. It’s the internal road sign that takes us away from our own desires and toward the destiny of meeting the needs of others.

The New Testament Greek word for “goodness”—used here and in other places— appears in three forms, all of which are rooted in the Hebrew word “tod”, which meant “usefulness.” You need a man who is “good.” That is, he is looking beyond his own desire to eat wings and play Call of Duty until 3:00am to be useful for others.

Men are called to goodness in a way that women are not within marriage. Ephesians 5:28,29 says that they are to be so outside of their own desires that they treat their women with the same respect they would treat their own bodies, including feeding and caring for her. This requires him to be able to provide for her and willing to do it. Does he have a job? Or is he working hard in school so he can get a good one? Do you see a work ethic in the way he treats his assignments and chores?

Does he know how to work?

NOTES: This blog series is extra material that I had left over after I wrote Get Lost: Your Guide To True Love. It is clearly stated in the book that the purpose of getting lost in God’s love is not to find a guy. But for those girls who are contemplating a relationship or marriage, I’ve expounded upon my thoughts on what kind of guy that might be.

Take a breath. Slow down. Dating doesn’t have to be so rushed. It does have to be right.

[Bonus material from Get Lost.]

Celebs like Ashton Kutcher, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Justin Timberlake and more joined forces to collaborate on a campaign to stop men from using girls to mop up their own selfish sexual needs.  Whatever you think of the self deprecating humor they used in their commercials to raise awareness of sex trafficking, the message is loud and clear: “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls.”

A watching world applauded the celebs as heroes.

Sex trafficking is an issue that is important to me and very personal.  I have one adopted daughter whom we rescued out of a rape culture. And another who has chosen to be a student activitist fighting it. Her work began in one of the vilest places on the planet where girls are intentionally bred to be sold by their families into the sex industry when they turn twelve. I know what a culture that endorses rape looks like. And I despise it.

What’s wrong with rape and sex trafficking, which we might well think of as corporately fueled and organized gang rape? These crimes are the ultimate offense against the value of a human being. The perpetrators—and those who turn a blind eye—fail to see the victim as a mother or girlfriend, student or co-worker, friend or lover with desires, hopes, and abilities. Humanity loses its humanness when one is allowed to treat another as a tool to fulfill desires so twisted that they cannot be excused as anything but demonically-fueled evil.

At its core, rape twists an act that is meant to be a mutual exchange into the most depraved disrespect of another human being. This strikes at the very heart of God’s intention for sexual expression. The Old Testament uses the word yada for sex. It means: “to know, to be known, to be deeply respected.” God’s very definition of sex transcends the physical act and emphasizes the emotional knowing and exchange of respect that is the essence of his intended design.

Real men respect women.

I find that some people aren’t comfortable with a Christian dialogue of men respecting women when it moves into the territory of protecting them sexually. Some say that teaching women modesty and purity promotes rape culture. Others say a woman can take care of herself. Still others…well… frankly, I can’t quite wrap my mind around the reasoning, try as I might.

I will keep speaking out as one who teaches that women are worthy of the respect and that men need to step up to protect them as Christian brothers. This is a dialogue that God himself initiated through his servant, The Apostle Paul. He charged men in Ephesians 5 to “present her a pure and spotless bride.” While men and women are both charged to express self-control for their own individual purity, only men are charged specifically with being responsible for the sexual wholeness of the opposite gender. According to God, it’s the man’s responsibility to act in integrity regardless of how a woman acts or dresses. This seems to place the ultimate responsibility for respecting human sexuality squarely on the shoulders of men. Protecting a sister’s sexual integrity is one of the highest forms of respect that a man can show to a woman.

Were he alive today, the Apostle Paul might well have taken up a sign with Ashton Kutcher with an important addition: “Real men don’t buy girls…they protect them!”

We applaud our modern day celebs when they stand up to say women are worthy of respect. Can we embrace Paul’s similar challenge?

NOTES: This blog series is extra material that I had left over after I wrote Get Lost: Your Guide To True Love. It is clearly stated in the book that the purpose of getting lost in God’s love is not to find a guy. But for those girls who are contemplating a relationship or marriage, I’ve expounded upon my thoughts on what kind of guy that might be.