How Long Should You Save That First Kiss?

Some call it smooching. Others Frenching or playing tonsil-hockey. Very few go with the scientific term of philematology, but many of you are asking just how long you should save that first kiss. Amidst growing pressure for a Christian girl to save her first kiss for her wedding day, I see this decision becoming something of a fad. There’s even a Facebook page you can “like” to fuel you with self-control to save that first peck.

While each and every circumstance is different and I admire many who make that choice, I’m going to suggest that in most cases it’s not the best choice and can slowly grow into an unhealthy form of legalism and pride.

Let me explain.

Just a few months ago, I was counseling a young woman who’d made the choice to save her first kiss until her wedding day. It was more than devastating when she didn’t live up to the standard and ended up giving away much more than a kiss to a guy who was only a friend. Her healing process was unduly challenging. I think, for her, the decision to save her first kiss was a legalistic choice in an effort to conform to those around her rather than a specific personal calling prompted by time in communion with God. And that makes all the difference in the world! If your choice to save your first kiss is primarily to conform to people around you, please your parents, or fit in with your homeschool group…it is an empty decision that leaves you open to powerful temptations that may leave you giving up more than just a kiss. There are two reasons why I think a cart blanche decision to save your kiss until marriage isn’t wise.

First, we have to be careful not to make standards that are even the tiniest bit contrary to the heart of scripture. And scripture encourages kissing! The Apostle Paul encourages us to greet each other with a holy kiss. He doesn’t leave us a user manual, so what kind of kiss is this that he practically commands? To be sure, this isn’t your searching-the-cavern-kind-of-kiss. It’s not even a tempting-kiss. It’s an innocent peck of greeting like you might get from your uncle or your dad. We don’t kiss much in evangelical circles. I think that’s because we’ve reduced the kiss to an overtly sensual transaction in our culture and we’ve lost something. We’ve lost the sign of attachment that is meant by a sweet kiss. Every now and then I meet an older man or woman who has walked with God for so long that their lives exude love. They greet me with hugs and kisses no matter how well I know them. It feels like what I think Paul was talking about—a greeting by a family member. A deep love and affirmation that says “you belong.” I think that there’s a loss in defining all kisses as sensual. Let’s avoid that.

Second, I Timothy 5:2 says that guys are supposed to treat us like sisters, with absolute purity. I think that when we get obsessive about avoiding kisses that we run the risk of making all kisses sensual and that makes all guys sexual objects or predators. When in fact, we need to look at them as brothers who guard our purity. We give unnecessary power to the sexual tension between male and female friendships and define them as mostly sensual when we stop thinking of guys as brothers. And a brother would greet you with a kiss. My 21-year-old son greets his 18-year-old sisters with a big bear hug and a kiss on the head when he sees them. It’s warm, wonderful and safe. And the epitome of purity.

The biggest problem we have with kissing isn’t defining when we should share that passionate romantic kiss with our future husband. The biggest problem we have with kissing is in defining what one is. As a result, we’ve lost the innocence of a family kiss that says “you belong”, and ended up in a place where it’s much easier to be legalistic about a kiss than it is to be wise about one.

Now, don’t think for a second that I don’t think there are limits to kissing. More on that in my next post. Until then, I’d love your feedback. Do you get what I’m saying…that we’ve lost the innocence of a holy kiss? Do you think our culture has a chance of getting back the sweet kiss that the Apostle Paul wrote about?

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42 Comments

  • I get what you are saying, but I see a big difference between a peck on the cheek and on on the lips. When i was 8 i went to my cousins wedding and they saved their first kiss for their wedding and i was inspired by that. It was so pure and perfect. Yes the bible tells us to “greet with a holy kiss” but like you said what is that holy kiss? We have no definition. I wish i knew. But the bible also calls us to be pure. I believe each person decides how far to take that statement. I takethat to the point im not going to kiss a guy on the lips till after we say “I do”. But i do give any family member of mine a kiss on the cheek. I like alot how you put in there the “you belong”. That does mean a lot. But I dont think we need to push that to the extent of kissing our guy friends on the cheek, because of how our culture looks at it. Do you get what im saying. I could be totally wrong..im only 16 and I have a lot to figure out. I liked reading your perspective a lot tho=)

  • I admire you, Dannah, for addressing this subject. I love the depth of your musings and how God’s Word reflects in your answers. I agree that it can be legalistic in some circles. Funny how peer pressure is not always secular. I knew nothing about saving my first kiss for my wedding day and I don’t regret it at all. I only dated one guy, we became Christians on the same evening and I married him…35 years and still in love with my best friend.

  • We were going to wait a long time for our first kiss, too, but we found that, well, not kissing was a lot more erotic. So we kissed – a lot – and it somehow diffused tension! My now-husband and I totally encourage kissing as it can be more innocent than tension-building non-kissing.

  • I totally agree with the fact that we have sensualized kissing. We have made everything sensual and sexual in our current culture. I do feel a little antsy about this post, but of course, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, so anything and anyone can take something and twist it however they want to fit their own desires, whether pure or not. I did however, take a step back and rethink what I have been telling my own girls…..am I pushing something on them instead of praying for God to convict their heart of what He has for them? Such a fine line here…..I do think that most of the kissing that goes on now in dating relationships is NOT helping either party involved and I just have to think that it would be extremely difficult if not next to impossible for teenagers who are dating to kiss and not NATURALLY lead the to the next step. I mean the feelings that certain kinds of kissing stirs up….well there is just a natural progression. I think the type of kissing you are speaking of is how I may feel about my mother or father, children or some friends. I understand that, and I also understand your point about everyone jumping on the “no kissing until wedding day” bandwagon and then failing miserable at that promise and feeling worse about it. Making the decision could most definitely be a legalistic one, but I still like encouraging teens to seek out scripture and make their decisions based on what it has to say about purity and praying and asking the Lord to show them what He wants for them. I just happen to like the concept of not giving your kisses away before marriage and just don’t see where even a holy kiss fits in with teenagers today?!?

  • I have made the personal decision to save my first kiss for my wedding day for many reason. I am exceedingly grateful that though my parents never created the purity standards I set for myself, since my early teens, they have been supportive. I saw physical expressions of love treated as meaningless by my cousins and friends, and I knew my heart could not live with such a cheapened expression of love. I understood how rare and valuable my first kiss is, and that I wanted to show to my husband how much I loved him, that I respected him and myself enough to wait until our wedding day. I have been told by friends and guys who have pursued me that I was ridiculous. One guy told me that no one would be willing to wait that long. It has been discouraging to have people repeat that no one will honor my standards. Will no one want to treasure me and my purity enough to put aside their own desires? More than anything, I want my marriage to be an example of Christ’s love for us. I promised God I would protect my purity, not my parents, not a youth group. My relationship with God is the most important relationship I ever have, and should influence all other relationships in my life. I am 23 and I have never been kissed. I am able to stand in front of a group of girls and say I know how hard it is to wait when the world thinks it’s foolish. I don’t tout my personal conviction to save my first kiss as something everyone should practice. Not every one can or believe in it, and that’s fine. It is simply my expression of surrender to my Saviour, and I look forward to giving my first kiss to my husband one day!

    • I admire your standards Sierra. Not many people have the self-control to do that. I am 22 and I have never kissed a girl or been kissed, but I have been wondering, if I should save my first kiss, till marriage or not. I think the world looks at kissing as such a erotic behavior, but as Christians, we shouldn’t care about what the world thinks about us, we are weird in the first place. Who cares if the world thinks if we kiss our brothers and sisters with a holy kiss that it is wrong. As long as our heart is in the right place, God will be pleased. I haven’t dated since I meet this girl, I’m so grateful and lucky to know. She is the first girl I have ever dated, but we have never kissed, mainly because I have built up with God’s help a lot of self control. If I had meet my girlfriend a year earlier, I doubt I would of not kissed her by now, but I have been dating her for about 2 months now, and we haven’t kissed by the grace of God. And I think its special, that we haven’t and others have told me that it’s incredibly special too. Pray we don’t and that we stay away from it and don’t go crazy, because of it. Cause I do want to kiss her badly, but I now think that if we wait till we are married, that it will be so much better for us both in the end. My sister, and a good friend of mine are doing the same thing and they inspire me. So God help me, stand by what I say. Help me not to breach that barrier, but to stay pure in all things, till God comes back to save me from sins power.

      God Bless You Sierra and I’ll pray for you, that you will have as much self-control to hold off that first kiss till marriage as well.

  • Thanks so much for writing about this. You would not believe how ring this us for my family. My 16 year old son is currently having this debate with his girlfriend. They are both Christians. My son does not want to kiss until he is married and his girlfriend does (she would be happy with cheek kisses). I appreciate the point that you brought up about ones purpose for having this goal, that it should be something that came from time spent with God and not just a pride thing. I am going to reinforce this with my son and pray that God will lead him to an answer that he can live with and live up too. Thanks for providing this ministry!

  • I haven’t gave away my first kiss yet (23 years old), but I’m not necessarily saving it for my wedding day either. That’s not to say that I don’t have really high standards of purity for myself. I still know and firmly hold to my “lines not to cross” (thanks, Dannah, for “And the Bride Wore White”!) but simple kissing is below that line. I agree that the “peer pressure” def isn’t just secular. That can be a really good thing sometimes but only if it lines up with God’s Word! I think the big issue is if your decision not to kiss until your wedding day is something that you’ve decided due to what everyone around you says to do, or if it’s because you have been led by the Holy Spirit to save it. Personally, I haven’t been convicted to save my first kiss specifically for my wedding day. However, I am convicted to save it for the moment. It’s so important that we are listening to God above all. Not man, even with the best of intentions!

  • Please…Please i really dont want to see someones first kiss. I know several good Christian girls who brag about saving it for the big day. I get the whole idea. but it is so much pressure and everyone is hyping it up so much and all eyes are on you the pressure makes me sweat thinking about it. Its just not good for anyone i believe. Im a preachers wife and all for morals but we get out of hand really.

  • I’ve saved my first kiss, but it’s not necessarily for marriage…it’s for true love! I don’t want to kiss in casual dating, but I think short, sweet kisses would be great during engagement. I have considered, however, that at my age, it’s likely that single men will have a past that includes sexual sin. His past will probably make a difference in the level of physical affection in our pre-marriage relationship. If I end up dating someone who has kept pure like I have, two thumbs up for sweet kisses! If I end up dating someone with a sexual past, then I’d be more apt to ask if we can save kissing for marriage.

  • I’m not around people that kiss just to kiss. We’re more into hugging I guess. As a mom, I’m not worried about pecks on the check or quick kisses. I’m worried about French kissing (we call it here in Wyoming). It’s too easy to get the motor going when a person is doing that. Why start the motor if you aren’t going anywhere? I’d say pecks would be fine but isn’t it easier to keep a peck from becoming more if there is no kiss to begin with? I definitely didn’t do it right and am praying I can guide my daughter in how to do it right. This is a topic I’m struggling with. And I think it’s a good one to figure out ahead of time because in the moment our brains aren’t thinking right. And how does a person know what will get the motor running until they get into that situation and by then I hope they’ve thought of the right choice before hand because right thinking has just flown out the window.

  • This is such a hard one. My husband and I struggled with our physical relationship right from the start of our dating relationship – as someone put it in an earlier comment, we used to “get the motor going”. We had no idea that kissing could get one going so! So we decided not to kiss on the lips for the last 18 months prior to getting married (we were engaged for the last 6 of those months) but that actually made it worse as we’d find other places to kiss and push the boundaries. I echo Dona who commented above to say we definitely didn’t do it right and what can we learn from it so we can guide our own daughters. Thanks Dannah for your passion in enouraging purity and modesty, and helping give us mothers tools in this.

  • This is a tough topic, and tough topics are generally the hardest to answer. I’m seventeen and never had my first kiss. I’ve been saving it for my wedding, but that doesn’t mean a quick peck on the cheek or the top of the head is unacceptable. I’ve set up some standards for when I am in a relationship, but at the same time I don’t want to have too many rules in place. I am just seeking God’s will for my life, and praying for wisdom when I am in a relationship.

    • I’m glad you have done this. I wouldn’t of done it at 17, and you are a great symbol to other girls around you, not to kiss, before marriage.

  • I gave away my first kiss at age 12, a ‘french kiss,’ if you will. I can live with it and it’s generally not a big deal to me. However, whilst I’m glad that my parents haven’t imposed any standards on me, I wish someone had told me then that I would regret it now. Sure, there’s a place for kissing before marriage, but it’s not at 12 years old.

  • Thanks for sharing this topic. I am raising my children to be well versed on purity. I am arming them with what I beleive to be true according to God’s word. But I also tell them that all I can do is give them the truth and they will have to choose what to do with it and let them know that I will love them no matter what their choices are. Both of my children say that they believe as we do. My daughter is 18 and my son is 14.

    We have had many friends who have many different experiences with this. One couple that is so very precious only dated each other and waited until he was 21 and she was 18 to date, decided that they would be okay with kissing shortly after they comitted to each other. They soon found themselve kissing all of the time and that it was making things more difficult. So they sat down and decided boundaries and decided to refrain from kissing until their wedding. They are happily married for several years now.

    I think it is up to the individual to make this decision.

  • I am almost 16 years old, and I am saving my first kiss for the day I say I Do. I personaly thing that this is a very private choice. I had a cousin about 5-6 years back now who saved her first kiss for the day she married, and so did her now husband. And it was so romantic, I like the idea of saving myself, for God, my future husband, and myself. When I really started being around guys and learning about purity, I wanted to save myself in every way. So I did decide to save my first kiss.

    In this subject pure-pressure is huge, not only from who ever your dating, but also from friends, in fact alot of my friends have nic-named it my mid-evil wish. I have date before, with certain standards, and even then I have had guys try to sneek a kiss on the lips. For me I wear a purity ring on my left ring finger everyday, I don’t flaunt my purity, as I know that in today’s world it isn’t seen as “normal” and I know that not all will want to do the same, but my friends know about it, and any guy who trys to pursue me knows about it. Now I am not going to lie and say that it’s easy, because it is far from, but for me I already know it is worth it.

    My family, friends, and yes guys too know about my faith in God, and my purity levels, I won’t deviate from this. I wasn’t pressured by my parents but they completly support me, this was my choice, and my siblings who date don’t even completely understand this, but they support me. This was my choice, for me it was right, I hope others find that it’s right for them as well buy I know not all will.

  • I first of all would like to say that I love Dannah’s ministry to girls. We have several of your books and love them. They have been so helpful. But to be totally honest, I was a little taken back by your approval on the kissing. I get where you were coming from Biblically about the Holy Kiss. But,really, “Holy Kisses” just arent happening among dating teens. I just remember those feelings that came about when I was a teen & kissing. It leads to nowhere good, UNLESS you have some major will power. And i’m not willing to recommend to my daughters to kiss and “hope” they’ll have enough will power to keep it Holy.

  • I was refreshed by the balance and honesty of your blog, kissing should be regarded as holy, society has degraded everything God deemed sacred and pure. Some young women are so confused , they’re either legalistic and tense up at the sign of any form of affection and others simply exhibit affection of all sorts with no regard for morals. Free love isn’t retro , society accepts anything that God doesn’t , I really enjoyed reading your blog

  • @Sierra Field
    i admire your decision i am also doing the same. so i really admire you for standing up for what you believe in. don’t listen to anything any one saids. God’s time is the best and when its the right time he will bring you the right person that will honor your decision and love you for respecting yourself and your beliefs.

  • Interesting thoughts, Dannah! I had never really considered kisses on top of the head before, but I am positively 100% for saving your first kiss till your wedding day. It’s one of those issues for me where I don’t want to have the thought of, “How close can I get?” but “Where would God have me be?” And I honestly believe that the best thing for almost every relationship is this kind of abstinence. I mean, is it profitable? 99% percent of the time, it’s harmful.

    I do agree with the legalistic mindset that many girls get though– that this is somehow going to make me better than other people or get me into heaven. It’s not going to do any of those things and I would never want to give that impression. But this for me is a very fine and hazy line and I just want to stay as far from the potential edge of the line as I can.

    Will I regret kissing before marriage? Quite possibly. Will I regret saving my first kiss for my wedding day? Never.

  • I had never thought of this in this perspective. Personally, I have my own convictions. I am choosing to save myself and my lips for marriage because I believe that God would want it for me. I remember reading a series by Robin Jones Gunn, that I cannot recall the name of right now, but it mentioned this. Then, I decided to save my first kiss for my husband. At first, I was very legalistic about it. I didn’t think much of it, but when I did, it was like, okay, here I have my list of rules, and I am writing it down as number 11. However, my views and my values have changed over time. I sometimes see it as a rule for myself, but overall, I think that this is what God wants for me. I am not going to date, according to my parents’ views, so I think that will make it easier on me, in some ways at least. Now, I see myself as saving a gift for my husband, and it makes me smile to think about all that I will have to give to him on the day that I marry him. Dannah, I read your book “And the Bride Wore White,” and I have to say, I loved it so much. I was in a Bible study that was led by a wonderful Christian lady who is very dear to me, and I was so encouraged. It redefined purity as something more than just physical! Even though it did this, it encouraged me to place standards for myself. For example, on the page with the 9 steps of “how far” to go, I knew I should limit myself to holding hands or something of that sort. I think that as I became more physical with a guy, purity would become harder and harder for me. Physical affection of almost any kind would make it harder for me to keep my thoughts pure, and therefore I don’t want to struggle with that. So for me, choosing not to kiss is not limiting, but freeing. Thank you for your helpful insight on this! I think I am going to share it with some friends of mine who could use this!

  • I appreciate this post – I think it is an honest, heartfelt opinion on the subject, which is very much needed. However, I’d like share my love story in hopes that it will be of some help. My husband and I desired to hold purity to be very, very sacred in our relationship. Purity is so cheapened to the point where our culture asks, “Why bother?” And that is not God’s way! God holds purity to be so very special – and for that reason my husband and I chose not to engage in any form of romantic physical touch until our wedding day. We felt that’s what was right for us. Any form of touch that we felt was appropriate for brother-sister we felt was fine, but anything beyond that we wanted to be kept sacred. Why rev the motor, if you’re going to keep the car in park? Why get on the train if you’re going to have to get off? And we were given advice one time that any form of physical touch that we engaged in prior to marriage would eventually lose its luster, but anything saved for marriage would never be any less thrilling. So we felt like we wanted to take our purity to the extreme and save it all. And yes, we were looked at like idiots. Yes, it was very difficult at times. But do I regret it? NOT IN THE LEAST! The advice we were given has proven true every time! Each kiss we share is more beautiful and more thrilling than the last. And our decision was born, not out of legalism, but out of a desire to see God’s ways glorified. God rejoices in us laying down self for holiness. We didn’t want to ask, “How far can we go and not sin?” but “How far can we go to bring God gloryf?” And our wedding day was one marked by a holiness that is rarely seen. Before the ceremony, Adam and I “met” on either side of a door – so we couldn’t see each other but we could hear each other. And when we prayed, it was the first time we held hands. I cried my eyes out because it was such a beautiful moment for us. People all the time say that it was the most Christ-honoring wedding they had ever been to – I could tangibly feel the Spirit descend as I walked into the church. Adam, who is usually a solid man’s man, cried like a baby when I walked down the aisle. The whole crowd could feel our anticipation. Our flower girl sent him a note from me that said, “I can’t wait to kiss you.” And my biggest worry was that our kiss would be awkward, and boy was it not! It was the most natural, beautiful, romantic moment of my life! It was like it was only Adam and I in the room – the whole audience was hushed with reverence then burst into thunderous applause when we finally (lol!) pulled away! I could not have written such an amazing, beautiful love story on my own. It took some major self-denial and flesh-crucifying. But it was oh so worth it! So yes, I agree, think about your motives for purity and then embark on the path that will bring the most glory to the God of holiness who desires perfect holiness in His children.

  • I personally think this is ridiculous and not what god intended at all. Nature is beautiful and complex, and more and more mysteries are being uncovered, for example, how kissing tests genetic compatibility. I’ve thought it’s strange before, how you can kiss one person and fall even ore in love with them, but also kiss a person who you believe you love, and realise that actually you don’t like them as much as you originally thought.

    This could be because, when kissing, your spit mixes up, and is “tested”, if you will. If your genetics are different enough to make good kids, your kiss will be great! If not, your body will send off bad signals to stop you having kids!

    Kissing is an important part of building a relationship! I’m 17 and I’ve kissed four people, and I think it’s built me as a person instead of damaged my purity. The way I see it, it’s just practice for the real thing (true love) so you can make it as perfect as you can- everyone knows practice makes perfect!

    I think it’s nice to save virginity for the person you marry, but I don’t think it’s essential. If I’m in love with someone, and I think there’s a possibility we’ll get married, I will happily have sex with them. Even if we then break up, I don’t see a problem. Just try again!

    • Harriet – good on you for having such a balanced perspective. You’ll learn so much from any ‘mistakes’ that you will be much better prepared to have an honest and genuine relationship when you do marry.

      I also think that there’s such a big risk of rushing into marriage because of the pressure of keeping pure. Much better to kiss a few people on the path and not feel oblidged to marry someone just because of this.

  • Hey Harriet – I understand your logic, but it’s your opinion that is based on your feelings alone. We can’t just go by that. We have to base our opinions and standards on the Word of God. Which says that marriage and sex is super special and should be kept sacred. When you’ve kissed or had sex with a bunch of different people it becomes meaningless. It’s not special anymore. I know if I were to ask you, you would say that you want your marriage to last forever. Everybody does – but rarely do we do what it takes to make marriage last, which is keep it sacred and treat it as something that is extremely valuable and precious.

  • Im 16 almost and ive grown up in church my whole life never having kissed a girl. I feel as though im missing out and I really do like a certain girl.I might even go as far as to say I love her ,as much as a 16 year old can. I would most definitely marry her yet im too young and I dont have a job that would support a family and marriage. I know almost everything about her and want to show my affection. I dont want to kiss her all the time I just want to actually have my first kiss.Any help would be appreciated.

    • Hello A!

      Your desires is normal and healthy. It is also healthy to have self-control and show respect in the area of physical attraction. At the age of 16, you need some courage to know when to kiss and went to wait.

      You know what you need is some face-to-face advice! We all do from time-to-time.I’m going to suggest that you talk to your mom or dad if you feel that they would be open to this conversation. If not, can you talk to someone at your local church?

  • Hi – This was an interesting read with good intentions and thought. I come from a vantage point that gives me different perspective on this topic at hand. And here is what I believe from my own experiences or lack of. All children are different and should be treated as such. Parenting involves preparing children for relationships and romance. If you have a child that’s shy, you could potentially harm them by discouraging them from kissing or getting involved in a relationship. Especially if this is a particularly good child that respects and follows your example, that tries to always please with obedience. In this case, encouraging them that it’s normal and okay to kiss if they meet someone that respects them, honors them, and really treats them well may be the best thing you ever did for your child to help them grow into adulthood and to be healthy with relationship building. Yes, it can be scary to think of what if’s…but this is a shy child. What if you convince them it’s not good to get involved to soon and then they grow up and they become stuck. Relationships don’t manifest for them. They don’t know why and then one day they’re in their late 30’s still trying to figure out what happened. That was me. And to top that off, I found this article because I met a really beautiful Christian woman that told me she likes to wait to kiss. She knew I was nervous and knew I had very little experience kissing by the 3rd date. She was caring, kind, supportive and wonderful. And over months she kept telling me she likes to wait. And then she lost me, because this nervous shy guy being told again and again that it’s not okay collapsed further and further spiraling down mentally distanced wondering what now. And then she let me go. A kiss is much more than something sensual. It’s acceptance, love, connection and a step toward vulnerability and telling someone else that they matter, are loved and cared for. One kiss can be the difference between getting a great guy and losing him, because he doesn’t understand why something so simple is off limits. Belief that the sign of a good man or woman is someone that will wait until marriage for a kiss in my view is asking too much of anyone, There’s nothing wrong with kissing. And while I do find it interesting tha someone would wait until marriage to kiss, I personally don’t feel any greater amount of respect for anyone that would choose that path. I have a greater sense of respect and awe for the person that took the chance to kiss and did so with purity of heart.

  • I think virtual and passing kisses before marriage, planted kisses during engagement and teasing and oh-la-la kisses during marriage is OK. However, some people want to save their first kiss (passing/planted) till marriage which is fine as well. At the end of the day you have to live close to God and do what you feel He wants you to do. It’s like you’re trying to find out what your parents’ rules for you are and you read a letter they wrote about that but you’ll always have dispute about what some things really mean so you go and ask them straight out, face to face.
    I also think you have to keep culture and context in mind. I know the French greet by sort of kissing on the cheek and the Afrikaners greet people by kissing; if I was in France or SA and someone wanted to greet me that way, I’d let them. (I live in England where you don’t greet with a kiss :D) Also, teenagers wouldn’t really get the brotherly passing kiss today, so I wouldnt really do that, they wouldnt understand and they’d take the kiss in the wrong way. But just because I wouldn’t do it with my friends doesn’t mean I’m gonna ban it. It’s relieved me and cleared up a lot of questions about is it OK to kiss your family and is it really sexual and how can other cultures do it so easily so just knowing what’s right and what’s not is helpful. I hope this is understandaable!

  • Hi Dannah,

    I am a 64 year old Australian male Christian, living in my homeland of OZ.
    I have just stumbled on your website and in particular the above article on kissing.

    I like to commend you on your article because I believe that you are spot-on the truth of the matter. In our society everything is so sexualised It has also influenced the thinking of Christians.

    My father has passed away now, when he was younger he was not expressive in his affection to me, however as he aged he mellowed and for about the last 10 years before he died I was able to enjoy the experience of hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. My father was not a Christian, and I became a Christian at the age of 18 and with marriage developed my emotional capacity slowly due to my relationship with the Lord and with my wife. In the state of being loved unconditionally.

    Since 19 years ago – God has seen fit to remove all of my family and all of my friends from my life – and I am now living in a small rural town alone and completely friendless.
    Like Joseph – I grieved much and at one point nearly lost my life due to the consideration of subside. However, I knew without a doubt that I had done no wrong, and that God is completely faithful and trustworthy – even when we are old and grey hairs faithfulness does not change. Inside of me I had a conviction that was based on his promise: “Seek you first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added on to you”.
    I was audacious (some might say) to believe that all that had happened to me via loss and trial – was for a purpose.

    One of the things that I had a quiet confidence about was the my leading from God in the following: a woman would eventually come to me and she would be around 20 years younger than me.
    I was wrong, she is 30 years younger than me, and yesterday (New Years eve 2016) I held both of her hands for the first time and we embraced for what seemed like an eternity. I have know this woman for 5 years, and my wife left me 5 1/2 years ago. I have never kissed her and I would like to leave the first kiss until our wedding day.
    I have not asked her to marry me as yet, but I firmly believe by faith that I will marry this woman.

    I have kissed her on the forehead once only and after reading your article- this is what I intend to do as far as I’m concerned, however I’ve not spoken to her about this subject as yet because it is early days.

    I have known that this woman has love me for at least 4 to half years as I have loved her. But God arranged it so that it could not begin in earnest until only recently. She came to me quite unexpectedly about one month ago.

    I am completely in control of my sexual desires and I am 100% celibate.

    I love this woman from the core of her wonderful character- outwards to her visible beauty, and she loves me in the same way. She has suffered greatly, tremendously almost equally as much as I- although in different areas of her life and different ways. God has put both of us through the suffering and trial wringer.

    I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’m not talking about the outward appearance.

    I live completely alone in the world as I said before – without one friend, (except for the last month when she came to me) that means without a Christian friend even, and coincidentally she lives in exactly the same state of isolation – but for a completely different set of reasons.

    I am greatly interested in your observations and comments as to all of the above.

    BTW: This woman’s mother and family are fully supportive of the possibility of my intention to marry this wonderful woman. I have, in particular, the mothers close and confidential support.

    Hope to hear from you soon.

    Kind Regards
    Peter B

    • Hello Peter B. Your intentions regarding this woman’s integrity are kind. That said, I have a few things to consider. It won’t be what you want to hear, but I’m not sure of the details of your story and want to make sure as a sister in Christ that you have considered all of the instructions to believers from our heavenly Father. Have you considered what the Bible says about marriage after divorce? It seems almost black and white that you should not remarry after a divorce. Until the other person has passed on from this earth, you are spiritually bound to him/her.

      Matthew 19:9 reads “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

      The sacred covenant of marriage really does require you to consider your previous nuptials. Especially if that woman was a believer.

      That said, I have (in one case) blessed a marriage of a friend to a divorced man. It wasn’t without considering and discussing the above passage at length. In fact, she serves with a denomination and went through extensive interviews and conversations with leadership to make sure she was in God’s will. The leadership felt that in this case, there was a passage of scripture that allowed for marriage. It was this one:

      1 Corinthians 7:15 reads “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”

      The situation in this case was that the marriage had broken up over 15 years earlier when the husband came to know the Lord. She could not accept his faith. He was gentle and kind and yet unwilling to renounce Christ. The church worked with him and counseled him in how to love her and win her back. But it never happened. After fifteen years, they blessed him to stop trying. She was an unbeliever.

      In this case, the leaders blessed him to be at peace. So, while it is nice that you have the support of family…I would like to encourage you to seek godly, pastoral advice on this situation. It is one to be delicately considered and emotion cannot be a part of the decision.

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