nonSpeed Dating For Dummies: are you willing to be busy at home?

nonSpeed Dating

Take a breath. Slow down. Dating doesn’t have to be so rushed. It does have to be right.

[Bonus material from Get Lost.]

Chocolate Cake with Strawberries This is one of my favorite photos on  my iPhone. It’s a cake that Lexi and Aumn made me for Mother’s Day, and it was as delicious for the eyes as it was for the taste-buds.

More wonderful than the cake is the fact that my almost-twenty year old girls baked it for me. They have learned to be “busy at home” (Titus 2:5). Lexi makes a killer crab & asparagus pasta and Autumn’s sewing skills are to thank for the window treatment in my stairwell. But it’s really not about the cakes, pasta and window decor. It’s about the fact that they love family. They enjoy being home and have never clamored to go hang out at the mall or be away from mom and dad. I  know this is a treasure and I hold it with great care. Here’s why…

When Nancy Leigh DeMoss and I wrote “Lies Young Women Believe”, we sent Erin Davis (host of liesyoungwomenbelieve.com ) around the nation to uncover the top twenty-five lies young women believe. One of them was that “having a career outside the home is more fulfilling than being a wife and mom.” Sad lie, but it’s been fueled for years by the most radical of feminists. At what cost?

Rebecca Walker, daughter of an iconic feminist, once wrote about how her mother’s devaluing of marriage and motherhood tore her family apart.

“You see, my mum taught me that children enslave women. I grew up believing that children are millstones around your neck, and the idea that motherhood can make you blissfully happy is a complete fairytale,” wrote Walker in 2008.

Walker found that having a baby–which she delayed until she was almost forty due to the indoctrination of her mother—is a tremendous experience.

“…having a child has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Far from ‘enslaving’ me, [my son] Tenzin has opened my world. My only regret is that I discovered the joys of motherhood so late  –  I have been trying for a second child for two years, but so far with no luck. I was raised to believe that women need men like a fish needs a bicycle. But I strongly feel children need two parents and the thought of raising Tenzin without my partner, Glen, 52, would be terrifying.”

Marriage and motherhood are not roles to take lightly. You cannot selfishly choose to enter into them, and then one day decide they are confining or unfulfilling. It’s not just your own life you are disrupting. When you choose to be married or to have children, you must consider it with great care and the weight of the lifetime commitment that it is. It is possible that God will call you to be single and that your purpose in life will not include a family, but everyone needs to practice the heart of caring for those in their circle of influence. For that reason, I believe that it’s worthwhile to practice being busy at home. (This doesn’t mean you’ll love everything about homemaking. I’m a woman who so does not love grocery shopping. It’s such a been-there-done-that monotonous job!) But I LOVE being at home.

In your younger years you can embrace the love of family by helping a younger sibling study or encouraging your mom by making dinner one night. You might mow the lawn for your dad or invite friends to hang out in your family room. These are simply acts of preparing your heart for the future.

Here’s another simple act. Try making this amazing double-chocolate cake with strawberries! Enjoy!

DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CAKE with STRAWBERRIES

Directions

  • Combine the first seven ingredients; beat on low speed for 30 seconds. Beat on medium for 2 minutes. Transfer to two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans.
  • Bake at 350° for 28-32 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.
  • In a large bowl, cream the butter, confectioner’s sugar and cocoa until light and fluffy. Beat in milk until smooth. Spread frosting between layers and over top and sides of cake.
  • Pipe or spoon melted chocolate onto waxed paper in decorative designs; let stand until set. Arrange strawberries on top of cake.
  • For ganache, place chocolate in a small bowl. Heat cream just to a boil; pour over chocolate and whisk until smooth. Drizzle over top of cake, allowing ganache to drape down the sides. Top with chocolate garnishes. Yield: 12 servings.
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8 Comments

  • Thank you for this insight Dannah… When I was in middle school, I went through a time when I was like “Boys are icky. I don’t want to be married. I will be totally fine on my own.”
    Now, I understand so much more (and know that I have much more yet to understand!:). I think one of the greatest privileges in life would be to be “Wife” and “Mommy”.
    I have a question for you:
    There are some women who desire marriage and motherhood desperately. They love Jesus and want to serve Him in the home, raising up children and supporting their husband. But the Lord hasn’t blessed them with the gift of marriage…
    Would you encourage them to pursue a career? Continue living at home with their parents, or move out…? Just curious about your thoughts!

    • I would ask God how he most wants to use you. Maybe that’s at home, but it may also be way out there in the world! Imagine a world where the Amy Carmichael’s and Nancy Leigh DeMosses just sat around waiting to be married. (Don’t think for a moment that they didn’t desire it.) But they got busy about using their singleness for the Lord. And he blessed their obedience greatly. Remember, your greatest marriage is the one you’re a part of as the Bride of Christ to Jesus. This is your primary purpose. Look to see where he is at work and be busy beside him. Have you read my newest book, Get Lost: A Girl’s Guide To Finding True Love? If not, you’ll need a copy! If you can’t afford one, let me know and we’ll see what we can do to get you one!

      • Thank you Dannah~ you are right. The Lord used Amy Carmichael and Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and He see’s the big picture and knows where I need to be most.

        And yes~ I have read “Get Lost” and loved it! (honestly I need to read again, because there are things I would see that I didn’t see the first time through I am sure…!:) I have a hard copy, and I had pre-ordered it for my Kindle 😉
        I actually got to lead a devotion with that as the material for a girls’ church party/sleepover… I hope the girls there were able to take the message to heart =)
        It has also helped me~ Your first paragraph was eye opening: how we think we want guys, and we really want God. I have found this to be true over and over… When I want attention from a certain guy, one-on-one time with Christ is what really satisfies me.

  • Dear Dannah,
    Thanks for posting this. I’m a little bit late reading it, but I know that it was meant for me. Not necessarily the post, but one of the comments that you wrote. It made me tear up.
    Lately, I have been thinking to myself, “Amber, you really need to get a life!” Meanwhile, I’m just wasting time and not doing my all for Jesus. This jumped out to me the most:
    ” But they got busy about using their singleness for the Lord. And he blessed their obedience greatly. Remember, your greatest marriage is the one you’re a part of as the Bride of Christ to Jesus. This is your primary purpose.”
    I appreciate your devotion to the Lord because had you not been devoted, I would not have read this.
    I thank God for you and I love you.
    Thanks so much.
    -Amber

  • Good afternoon, Dannah,
    I’ve been reading your book “Get Lost” for a little while now and I’m almost near the end. And just as a random sidenote that doesn’t have to do with my question, I have to say that absolutely love it!!! God used it to change my life in many, many ways. I’m eighteen years old and I’ve never dated, never courted, never gone past a crush before. However I was home schooled, so I wasn’t around guys. I had numerous questions about them and marriage and I even had a few fears as well. As I told my mother, I look around and see couples around me (with a few exceptions) who tolerate each other – just tolerate each other. I didn’t want to be like that; I wanted my love and his love to last forever and I was scared to death that that was not possible – until a few things confirmed in your book that it was, indeed, very possible with agape as the center instead of ahabah. I just want to thank you so very, very much for obeying God and writing the book Get Lost. (I also had the privilege of doing the Love Feast during Passion week this year and it really helped me fall in love with Jesus even more than I had known it would. )
    All that being said, I have one question concerning this portion of the chapter (Are you willing to be busy at home?) What are your thoughts about careers and/or jobs for women? Is it possible to have a career in, say, music and still be a helper at home? By “being willing to be busy at home,” (This isn’t confrontational, I’m just curious as well.) do you mean that a woman should never get a job/career once she is married, or that she can have a job or even a career but must be willing to be busy at home as well? Sorry, in my childhood years, I come from a slightly confusing background on this issue. Thank you for your time!

    • Hi Hannah! Thanks for reading my book. What a joy to know it’s encouraged you. As for working at home. I have a rather rich and wide view of “home.” There are many seasons to a woman’s life. During some, the small home of babies and one husband is a big, big job. At another stage, her home may be just her and a husband she has the freedom to serve in her community more freely. The main thing is, she doesn’t get so ambitious that her family suffers from needs she could meet if she weren’t too busy with her own personal goals. I really recommend that you read a book by Carolyn McCulley titled The Measure of Success. It outlines a biblical perspective on women, work, and home. http://www.amazon.com/The-Measure-Success-Uncovering-Perspective/dp/1433679922

      • Hey, there, sorry for the delayed response. Thank you so very much, that has cleared up a LOT for me! I’ll check into the book and thank you so much for taking time to recommend it and answer my question! You are truly a blessing from God! Thank you again! 😀

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