nonSpeed Dating for Dummies: do you have an older woman in your life teaching you about love?

nonSpeed Dating

Take a breath. Slow down. Dating doesn’t have to be so rushed. It does have to be right.

[Bonus material from Get Lost.]

“The purposes of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Proverbs 20:5

As the sun set on Tuesday, I went to God. He sat with me on my little country porch. Me in the white rocker and Him within the grand peace of the day ebbing away.

I told him how empty I was. That my life just felt like all the purpose had been wrung out of it. Have you ever felt like that? Do you today? If you’re coming to me fresh from the pages of Get Lost this may surprise you. But even those of us who fill others up, often find ourselves empty. This week, I did.

In my parched hunger, I opened my Bible. Proverbs 20 because it was the twentieth day of the month and I read one book of Proverbs a day. Only on this day, I got stuck on verse five because….well it filled me.

It happened this way.

The words like a cozy blanket wrapped themselves around me: “The purposes of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Then…A picture in my head. One like this.


Our purpose—a place of deep refreshment no matter how much work and intention it takes to get to it—lies deep within the well. But often our buckets hang unused. As mine as been. The well is not dry, but our buckets can be.

It takes “understanding” to use our buckets. Understanding is our judgement or our outlook. The way we choose to perceive things. I have not been perceiving things—myself especially—well as of late. I’m tired and my bucket of understanding is empty. How to fill it?

My mind was filled again with a picture. Of my sweet, wonderful mother.


I realize that a mother gives us the ability to have a healthy outlook on  life…or an unhealthy one. She “fills the bucket with understanding.” I know my mom poured a healthy outlook into my life from day number one. I read my baby book. Gushing with optimism and pride over every effort. From a slobbering pressing to push a tooth through my bright pink gums to a toddling attempt at taking my first step, she poured possibility in to me.

Not all of us have mothers who fill our buckets well. I think of the three precious ones who were kidnapped ten years ago. Taken from their mothers. One mother never stopped pouring optimistic hope into her lost Amanda. They say she died of a broken heart believing her daughter was still out there somewhere. Hoping beyond hope. Amanda was the girl who never stopped believing she had purpose though raped and held hostage. A young mother herself, she waited ten long years for the one chance to escape and rescue the others. Her bucket was well-filled and the most horrific of circumstances could not drive out her drive for purpose.


Another had a mom who did not know how to fill her Michelle’s bucket with hope. This daughter went into that house empty and came out only because she was forced. Her bucket had no understanding. No judgement or outlook to press her to try. (Oh what I would give to tell Michelle how precious she is. That she has purpose. Value. To help her pick up that heavy empty bucket and fill it with outlook!)

I want to dip my bucket back into the deep well of truth, but my understanding has run dry. I’m forgetting how to have an outlook that presses me to the hard work of dipping down into the deep well. And I refuse to be a girl who cannot see purpose in the most difficult of circumstances.

So I have declared it a summer of Me and Mom.

We will shop in Lititz where the stores are quaint and adorable. We will journey to hear my dear friendNancy Leigh DeMoss who also fills my bucket so very well.

We will put my girls into a car for a road trip. More shopping. Lots of eating. And we will journey to hear the wonderful Beth Moore in the Dunkin Donuts Center. (I may even have some Dunkin Donuts. I prefer Blueberry Cake or Glazed.)

My bucket is already feeling fuller. Like it’ll have the weight it needs to drop down deep into the well of purpose again by the end of this summer of Me and Mom. And this is how God has designed it to work, isn’t it? For those older women in my life to train me. (Titus 2:4) Because sometimes I forget.

This may not seem like a blog about marriage or dating, but you would be wrong. Because—you see—there is no greater purpose than that of wife and mother, if God would choose to call you to these roles. And that’s the primary thing these older women in my life teach me. So I never forget.

Do you have an older woman in your life teaching you?

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  • I’ve always felt socially displaced. I’m a 39 year old male with 3 young children and a better half, (mostly better then me). At the gender age of 6 months I was placed in an orphanage for 5 years. My very dis functional family moved out of state to only end up back in the custody of the State. I was bounced around so much that I once sat down and averaged out the placements over a 10 yr period, which was once every two weeks. That breaks down into 60 placements from 8-18 yrs of age, not counting the moves, or birth to 5 yrs old.

    Our parents did just about everything of horrible child abuse/neglect stories you’ve ever heard. How this looks 20 years later? I’m struggling to forgive my still living mother. My father passed away a year and a half ago, and my siblings are still all alive. My relationship to my wife struggles, as I had an emotional affair with another married women who was adopted from Korea. Abandonment issues and trama bonding, lets just say it didn’t end well. I’m still with my spouce, I love and adore my children but I struggle to father them with all the tools I know God has given me.

    I’ve had a hole in my soul for so long I can’t remember a time I haven’t thought about what I missed with my birth mother. I’ve asked and prayed, cried and screamed without end. I’ve forgiven and taken it back, then rinse and repeat. I’ve found another type of Social stigmata that affects fathers, and it isn’t playing to many hours of video games, it’s fathers who were Abandoned by their mothers.
    “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! ISA 49:15

    As you can guess I turned out pretty messed up. I have a conglomerate of disorders emotional problems, Coupled with fibromyalgia. I’m a part of a men’s purity group I attend called Samson Society every week where I also occasionally lead. I’m on antidepressants and painkillers, In the past I used to wonder why got even put me on this earth But I know now it’s to help other people.

    Thank you for all the direction your writing had given me and God bless!


    • I am so glad you wrote. And so transparently. You have walked a difficult path. I’m so sorry. Praise God for your Samson Society group. I love Nate Larkin to death. His work is fantastic! Keep in the group and I do believe your healing will come. Sometimes we have to walk it out step by step.

      • Danna, thanks for the kind reply. The step by step process can be grueling at times. I’m glad you started this website for women. Also, thank you for sending me you book when I called into KTIS last month. It was great getting to listen and speak with you on the program. God is truly blessing your hand, and it’s helping more than just women! It’s neat that you know Nate, he’s a good man, loves The Lord and is just as driven to help others as yourself, building the Kingdom for Christ.
        Thanks again ~ E

  • I really wish there was a blog with just a whole bunch of TRULY godly women who were just chomping at the bit to pour into some lives of younger women. I know it’s the job of the women in the local church, but sometimes they just aren’t doing it. I know I could greatly benefit from it, and my heart breaks for younger girls also who don’t have this. Just a thought 🙂 Maybe someone knows of a blog like this and can point me to it? 🙂

    • It just occurred to me that it might have looked like I was saying this WASN’T one of those blogs! lol– NOT my intention!! I had meant it would be great if there was a site specifically for older women to be on that we were wanting to find a young woman to mentor one-on-one. Just wanted to clear that up! I know everyone on this site definitely pours into young women’s lives every day! It’s been such a blessing. Thank you Miss Dannah!

  • My mom i guess but shes not really walking with God if i do something wrong i just get kicked out no one ever spoke to me about ‘love’ etc so its whatever. Mostly i just get punished by God. Its getting hard and its easy if you are waiting with a purpose but what if you are just paying for past mistakes how do you wait when theres nothing good coming i mean besides heaven. Its hard to b like Abraham he had no “stuff” no tangable thing he only had God and im trying to believe thats enough really i just feel left out from my friends who i know God loves and can wait to bless.

    • I’m sorry that your mom is not walking with God. That makes it so much harder to walk with him yourself! Pray that God brings a mother-figure into your life who is godly and loves him and loves you. Also, you might want to read a book called The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. It’s fantastic.

      God loves you.


      Abraham had a lot of “stuff.” When he left Egypt, he “plundered” the Egyptians and took a lot of gold and wealth with him. As I understand it, they were so afraid of another plague that they GAVE him their most valuable possessions to stop it. He was wealthy. But he was also obedient. So he did not set up a kingdom for himself with his wealth. He obeyed God and lived the life of a nomad wandering through the desert looking for the promised land.

      Anyone who has told you the Christian life is full of easy roads would be telling you a lie. It is hard sometimes.

      Does God bless? You bet, but our biggest treasures are in heaven not here.

      My sense is that God wants you to press in to obedience. Try that on for size in some prayer. Begin today by spending 10 minutes just worshipping and talking him and then five minutes just listening with your heart quiet before you. End with some scripture reading. See what happens. Whatever he says…obey.

  • Just finished “Getting Lost”- and I am so thankful God used you to write this book, He has really opened my eyes in many areas of my life! I just had a quick question- about finding an older woman to teach you about love. I’m a relatively new Christian, I became one two years ago, late in my life. I’m thirty years old, and while I do have many wonderful Christian lady friends, none of them are actuall older than me! However, I would say that they are spiritually older than me… Most are married and have families and have followed Christ for their whole lives….. I’m wondering can these spiritually older women be my mentors? Or do I actually have to find a woman who is older than me!

    • Thanks for the encouragement! I think it’s important to have at least ONE older woman speaking into your life. But peer mentors are really awesome, too. I spend MOST of my time with peers, but involve older women, too.

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