Should You Ask Him To Kiss You?

This contest is now closed. Congratulations to Melissa, Meghan, Anna, Macy, and Julie for each winning a copy of What Are You Waiting For! Even though the contest is over, I still want to know what you think! Leave your comments below.

Lips aside, I’m nose deep in a book deadline and if I don’t have your help, I may drown in my own thoughts. I’m going a bit antsy over something potentially controversial, and I need your stories and convictions. Don’t worry if you don’t have time. I’ll probably just miss my deadline, throwing me into a fit of untimely stress. (Feel guilty?) Oh, by the way, I’m going to send free copies of What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Told You About Sex to five randomly selected commentors. (Feel motivated?) OK. Here’s what I need to know. Ready? Drum roll please. (And do remember, I’m not sure what I think about this yet, that’s why I’m asking.)

Is it ever OK for a girl to ask a guy to kiss her? Before you answer, let me show you some scandalous stuff I’m finding in the Bible about girls who asked for kisses.

As I’m studying Song of Songs to write Get Lost: A Guide To Finding True Love, I find a brilliant beauty in the picture of male leadership. He is a pursuer! Solomon has been pursuant of the Maiden for some time when the book opens.[i] He has waited patiently for her readiness, never controlling or attempting to possess her. He wants her to desire him, too. But he waits because he will not settle for a relationship with a reluctant lover.

In Song of Songs 1:2, we see that the Beloved is not that! She sheds all pretence, goes against every cultural boundary and verbalizes her craving to taste a passionate kiss. In a day and age when female love was rarely—if ever spoken of or written about—this breaks every taboo! This is no acceptable formal greeting or tradition, but an obvious request for deeper intimacy. She has no reluctancy!

You can see the same kind of expression of availability in the book of Ruth. Well, OK. You can see a whole lot more of it. She’s inviting more than a kiss in the dark of night. She dresses herself, sneaks off to his bed chambers, and lies at the bottom of his bed waiting for him to cover her with his cloak. This would be a sign that he was willing to take her as his wife. Shameless!

The New Testament conveys a permission for a married woman to be the pursuer in the bedroom. It’s the one area where they are clearly called to submit to each other. To be clear, they are called to mutual submission but within the context of his headship. (Complicated, I know.) And yet in the area of sexual expression, it is specifically written that they should enjoy mutual submission. Mutual leadership. I Corinthians 7:3-5 reads:

“The husband should give his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time…”

Now, I want to be really careful here. I know I’m walking on thin ice but I believe that the pattern of courtship or dating should lead naturally into the kind of marriage you’ll experience. You won’t start submitting to a guy just because you said, “I do.” You have to slowly practice your way into a relationship in which you can submit. And you won’t lead freely in the friendship of sexual play until you have learned the ask him to have lunch with you, or sit beside you in study hall. See? I AM NOT SAYING THAT A MAN SHOULD NOT LEAD. I’M ALSO  NOT SAYING THAT A GIRL SHOULD BE SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE. I’m wondering where and when she should let him know she’s interested!

So, here’s my question: to what extent does a girl avail herself to the pursuant leadership of a guy?

I know that this messes with some of our canned, legalistic rules of modesty in relationships. Please understand: I am not saying that a guy shouldn’t lead. I’m just saying that there’s no Biblical pattern for a woman to be rigid, offering a guy no inkling of an idea that she’s interested. To be sure, the line is fine. But lets try to find it.

Recently a friend came to me why a relationship of 18 months didn’t work out. After a good close look, it seemed as if the pursued never gave the poor guy an inkling of an idea that she was actually interested. (Conjures up memories of Sense and Sensibility in which Elinor almost loses Edward because she is so overly modest in her presentation to him.)

While I’m 100% sure we should not climb into a guy’s bed like Ruth did. And I’m fairly certain it’d be better to let him do the asking for a kiss, I do find myself wondering if some circles of Christianity press a girl to far into a repressed form of modesty. In the end, a poor guy in pursuit never gets a break!

What do you think?

Do you have any real life stories (from your own life) that I can learn from?

Leave me a comment by Wednesday, March 28th and I’ll randomly select five winners to get a free book!

 


[i] This is reflected in Song of Songs 2:8-3:5 which is a flashback to the earliest memory of their courtship. Those verses occur before what we read in today’s scripture reading.

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50 Comments

  • Well… In my opinion, kissing leads to other things that shouldn’t be done outside marriage, so, unless the guy just proposed to the girl, then no. I’m not saying that they should kiss all the time outside marriage, just that the occasional smooch between the engaged isn’t so bad, as long as they have boundaries. Oh, and by the way, good luck on your book assignment! 🙂

  • In my opinion a kiss should be saved for a couples wedding and a girl should definitely not ask for a kiss.

  • I think it is fine IN a Marriage to ask for a KISS!! Let me tell you my little story.. My husband and I started dating when I turned 18. We dated 7 months BEFORE we kissed. Let me explain.. I was not living a Christian life and had “slept” around in previous relationships. God was working on me and had been talking to me but I never sat down and actually listened. I knew my past relationships had left me lonely, and knew there was something..someone out there for me. When I was dating my husband he too, had been in a prior realtionship and wanted to take things slow. We got to know each other and after 5 months I really wanted to kiss him. When our dates would end, we would stand around talking etc..kinda akward, but NO kiss. So during dinner one night I said well I sure am looking forward to ur first kiss. 2 weeks later, I got it and we remember it to this day. we both had on our glasses and when we kissed they touched and made a little “cling” like Cheers noise. Now that we are married and have 3 kids, I will go to him and hug him and look into his eyes and he knows I need a kiss, when I touch his hand and pull him close he knows I NEED a kiss and when I ask him he Knows I really want a kiss!!

  • My grandmother always said “A lady should act like a lady.” Girls shouldn’t take the lead and ask for a kiss unless they are married. To be honest kissing only led to other things when I was young and “dating” and so maybe kissing should be omitted until marriage all together. Although, this day in time that is unheard of and I have been called old fashion for that being my opinion on it kissing subject. I just regret myself having the relationships (2) that I had as a teenager I wish I had waited to find out that aspect of love until I was married and mature enough to handle it and the hormones that go along with it.

  • I had to ask my husband out on our first date. I wasn’t willing to wait for him to ask me. I knew what I had been looking for and I knew that he was it. I knew that my parents liked him. (What I didn’t know until later was that my father knew I’d marry this guy before I ever met him.)

    I initiated our first kiss. He was slightly surprised but grateful that I took the initiative.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman expressing to a man that she is interested in their relationship advancing into something beyond friendship. I do think that if a guy does not have a chance to pursue her, she will have a hard time feeling wanted by him. It’s a very delicate balance – letting him know you’re interested, but letting him pursue you. There are times that I wish I had that memory of him pursuing me. But I know God has put us together and I am so blessed to be married to my husband. I wouldn’t have it any other way, however we got here.

  • In general, I think that a man should take the lead but I think that in a case where a man is respectable and waiting for his girl (who he is committed to) to be ready, then yes. Males in general tend to get swept up in the physical lust of it all and females can separate themselves from it. It could be for the best if they are the ones doing the asking in those situations.

  • Yes, I think there are times when it’s prefectly acceptable for a woman to ask a man for a kiss. Why would it not be okay for a wife to ask her husband for a kiss? I do not think it’s okay for a woman to ask a man for a kiss as a way to manipulate him, or to cause him to sin. But, in general, I see no reason that a woman would have to just wait to be kissed.

  • I have to confess this has been on my heart a lot lately. Last semester the guy I like definitely showed interest in me, but in a way where he seemed shy to approach me. He was always very congenial when we talked, and seemed to be excited by our conversations, but I became afraid that I would be seen as “trying to make him like me” or that his friends would tease him immensely about this “weird girl” who was pursuing him. Mind you, a lot of these came from past lies I had let into my life, but talking to him now I feel like he does have interest in getting to know me. The sad thing is as I am writing this, I know that he’ll be graduating in a couple months. I wish I had shown him how interested I was in getting to know him.

  • Great question Dannah…It’s really forced me to think about this more. I believe a guy should be the one leading/pursuing in relationships, but I also don’t think it’s wrong for a girl to at least let him know she’s interested. It’s really hard to come up with an answer as to where that fine line is….I personally don’t think it’s wrong for a girl to ask for a kiss from a boyfriend. But that’s just one person’s opinion. The area of relationships has been a learning process for me, I’m 23 and never had a serious relationship. Learning to have faith/patience in waiting for the RIGHT man to take initiative.

  • I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask for a ‘kiss’ outside of marriage, but other ways of showing interest are appropriate. I still remember High School talking to a friend of mine during break, and I told him – “I sure would love to go to Prom with you”. Later, when he asked and I accepted, he still said “I didn’t think you’d say yes”. But showing romantic interest too early can also ruin a good friendship.

  • First, I like what God has shown you so far.

    In my opinion…I see a relationship
    /courtship/dating as the guy doing the active pursuing…but the girl giving him the opportunities to do so. For me, I’d say kisses are for a husband and wife…and in that situation the wife can give her husband signs of wanting affection such as kisses and the husband would be the one to act.
    Being a single young woman this is the picture I have, I may be off, but I hope to have that kind of communication with my husband.

    So…I don’t think a girl should ask a guy to kiss her…but if it is something they are okay with doing…he should know it is ok and be able to read her signals. Once again, I think kisses are meant for marriage…and even in marriage there should be an “invite” without having to command “kiss me!”.

    Guys can’t read our minds, but when they really know us, they can read our signals…and be confident that we are inviting them to do something, such as, “kiss me”.

    I believe that is what Ruth was doing…offering and invitation in body language. And the woman in Song of Solomon, I believe was saying what she was thinking. And without giving a command to her Lover, she was inviting him to act.

    Song of Solomon is great to know what we naturally go through in a relationship, and the temptation and poisson that burns in us. Then, it says “do not awaken love”. It should happen in God’s timing…not just when you want it. And with that, if your husband or boyfriend know the Lord and are seeking His will and not their “want” then God will tell him and give him confidence to kiss you, kind of like in The Little Mermaid “kiss the girl” :)girl

  • This is a hard one. I kissed lots of boyfriends and it didn’t go any further than that! But I can see where it can lead to other things. I would prefer my daughters not to but I will not shame them if it is simply a kiss. I don’t feel horrible or guilty for kissing before marriage. Maybe telling them to wait would be better until they were a certain age. This is hard. Can’t wait to read your opinion Dannah!

  • Wow! What a dilemma! At first, I would have said that it is acceptable for a wife to ask her husband to kiss her; yet in dating relationships, it should be the guy who is a leader and sets the appropriate boundaries (with consent from the girl). However, when you brought up the fact that a wife doesn’t automatically know how to submit as soon as she gets married and therefore may not automatically lead in the “friendship of sexual play,” I got stumped. This is, nonetheless, what I believe about this issue:

    God has given each of us passions and desires. Certain women may have stronger sexual desires than others and make those desires known. I believe that in a dating relationship, kissing is tempting yourselves to become further entwined than should be done. The man is to be the leader and should not allow the relationship to be tempted into sin. In a marriage relationship, the husband’s body belongs to the wife and vice versa. If a wife wants to kiss her husband, she should ask for it. I don’t believe it is wise to say a women should “practice” asking for her sexual desires to be fulfilled (even if just a kiss) if she is not married. So she may be shy and unable to step out there once she married – so what? Each stage in our lives is an opportunity to learn and grow into being who God has created us to be. Trying to learn to lead in the area of sexual play (again, even just a kiss) is dangerous to the relationship and could very well lead to sin. Again, until the couple is married, they do not belong to each other and the man should remain the leader – especially in this crucial area that many couples fall from (I know – I was one of them).

  • I think sometimes, the guys that are worth being with, the ones that end up making the best husbands, are timid and sometimes a smidge clueless when it comes to picking up signals from girls. (And I mean that in the best way possible, since I married one!) 🙂 My husband and I met in high school, and he was sweet, kind, gentle, godly, and shy…and even though he’s the most amazing leader and head of our family now, almost 17 years and 4 kids later, back then I had to let him know that I was interested in him. Doesn’t mean that throwing yourself at someone or being immodest or impure is the answer, but guys aren’t mind readers, not when they’re married, and certainly not when they’re just starting to get to know you. There’s definitely a line that shouldn’t be crossed, but guys, especially the shy, sweet, sensitive ones, need to know that their attention is wanted and reciprocated before they’ll completely put their hearts on the line. Definitely an interesting topic!

  • It is something i have thought about it and i realized why date if ya cant marry the dude? I mean what gives us the right to ask for his heart when it will only last a while?

  • I’m afraid this article is a bit confusing. You have cited passages from Scripture (The Song of Songs, and 1 Corinthians 7) which address the physical relationship of those who are married and you have referenced Ruth’s practice of the ancient Near Eastern custom of requesting the covering of a kinsmen redeemer in marriage, but it seems that you are attempting to make an application from these passages for unmarried women in modern times. I don’t want to sound offensive, but I am concerned to see the Scriptures handled in this way.

    To describe Ruth’s actions in our modern terms of “climbing into a guy’s bed” is quite misleading and unfortunately gives the impression that her actions were seductive or immoral when in reality there was no moral impropriety in her lying at his feet according to the Jewish custom.

    I guess I am struggling to see the connection between the passages you’ve referenced and your questions regarding whether an unmarried woman should feel free to ask a man to kiss her. I honestly believe it would be dangerous to draw the conclusion that the Song of Songs, 1 Corinthians 7, and the book of Ruth can be used as support for the initiation of a physical relationship outside of marriage.

  • We shouldent ask for his heart if it will only last a while. So what really gives us the right to kiss him even if he makes the move?

  • I have been married for 11 years to a wonderful, Godly husband. When we were very committed in our dating/courting relationship (and I say courting, because when we began dating, we had already discussed that we were not casually dating, but looking to marry), we still had not kissed on the lips. He had kissed me on my cheek and forehead, and once on my neck(yeikes!! too much!) but not on the lips. We had talked about preserving that for a while. We had talked about it a little, but didn’t want to talk about it too much because that took the romance out of it a bit and made us dwell on it a lot. When the time was right, I remember I had my head on his shoulder, and I was wispering in my head, “Kiss me…please kiss me.” Not in the lustful crazy way, I was just ready for him to kiss me. I remember thinking, “I wonder if he is waiting because he isn’t sure if he has permission. How embarrassing that would be if he tried to give me a kiss and I pushed him off.” I was wishing that I had had the boldness in our earlier conversations to let him know that I was ready when he was ready to take the lead. I feel like that would have been good. We were so communicative about boundaries and such, that looking back, I think that in that type of healthy, growing relationship it would have been great and God-honoring for me to say, “Look, I want you to take the lead, but with my permission. I will let you know when I am ready, and if you feel like the time is right, then great.” So I say that a guy maybe shouldn’t try to advance with a kiss until the girl says that she is ready. But it should be okay for a girl to say that she is ready for a kiss. If we look at kissing as a key step in a physical relationship, then the more thought and intentionality and control that can be had by both parties, the less, “It was just the moment, and the moment got away with us” there will be.

  • It would be interesting to hear some guys thoughts. Ultimately, prayer and study will have to be what you listen to in this as you write. I also think individual prayer can help each of us decide where we should be in this (and our kids- they should be praying too if they are believers). There are so many levels of relationship here and so many types of kiss it makes it hard to get a good idea. Is this an experimental first kiss or making out in back of a car? I do not think we can make a rule about it, but need to allow the Spirit to guide us. In marriage, we should be at the point where we can talk to our husbands for what we need and he should be willing to give (as should we!). Hopefully, if the guy in a dating relationship was asked by the girl to kiss, he would be mature enough to say, “no” if he is not ready to face the temptations that could follow. When I was growing up, I was not allowed to call a boy (even to get homework!). I hated that rule…but now, as my girls approach the dating age, I am thinking I like that rule- to have them not be the pursurer. This will be hard to do in the cell phone era, I know. My hope is that they can show interest in a guy, but to still be pursued by him. I think that we as moms push so hard for our girls to find a guy, even at such young ages! I had a friend that called a guy for her 15 year old daughter to ask him to homecoming for her. The daughter was mortified! I think too often we want our kids to grow up too soon. We would do well to let them know there is time and not to rush anything. So, as far as a girl asking to kiss…it would depend on their relationship.

  • Hello Melissa! I wholeheartedly understand your concern and I’m trying to be careful here. This is a question. I’m not saying I have it figured out. I just think that maybe there are circles that take things too far in terms of giving a guy NO HOPE that he’s interesting to a girl. The fact that Ruth lay on a man’s bed mat and the Shulamite asked for a kiss is conflicting to me. I’m not looking to endorse sensual behavior or compare this to anything crass, but goodness…Ruth climbed into his bedroom and waited for him to “cover her with the hem of his garment.” This was a sensual invitation. As I understand it, anyway.

  • I really appreciate you asking this question, Dannah. Taking a step back and surveying what the Bible has to say, instead of merely relying on our “legalistic” rules is something I think we should do often. I have sometimes wondered the same thing, as I have looked at women like Ruth. While she left the decision up to Boaz, she made it perfectly clear to him that she was interested in the relationship going the next step. This does not quite seem to mesh with what we as Christian women are told to do. However, I do want to be pursued, and allow the man to lead, so it is a fine line between making your interest known and allowing him room to lead in the relationship.
    As for the specific question of kissing, seeing as I am planning to save my first kiss for my fiance, I don’t think I will have to ask for that first kiss. We will have already set up the guidelines, so he will know that when I say yes to his proposal, he can kiss me. After the initial kiss in a relationship, I can see it being okay for the woman to ask for a kiss just as much as for the man to ask for a kiss.
    I hope this was helpful. And I already own your book, so you do not have to pick me, although I would pass it along to a friend, were I to win it.
    (I am a senior Cedarville student. I hope you meet your deadline!)

  • I do not believe that a girl should ask a guy she is dating to kiss her, since our God given desire is to see men who lead (and guys like to pursue!). This reminds me of the etiquette our grandparents might have had when they were dating/courting- the guy initiates, the girls answers with a yes or no.

    The same might be said for more innocent things like holding hands- if the guy wants to hold a girl’s hand for the first time, it is polite and right for the guy to make the first move. I have friends who like it the other way around, especially if the is guy shy, but after reading the book- “Saving My First Kiss: Why I’m Keeping Confetti in My Closet,”(Lisa Velthouse) I plan to surprise my future husband with my passionate/wild/fun side after we’re married! I like the idea of being pursued first… 😉

  • . A kiss is not always a sexual thing. Its used between friends, family, and even business partners. Your asking if a woman can ask for a kiss, not just go ahead and go for it. She may be showing she is interested by asking but he still has to do it. She isnt showing she is dominate by asking. I recieved my first kiss at 10 and my sister at 5. My son gave his first kiss at 6. A kiss is a term of endearment. It doesn’t mean your going to end up any further with that person. So I dont believe its wrong to ask for a kiss. A long lingering hug can be more sexual than a kiss and I certainly dont believe anyone is against hugging. It depends on the girls motives. She knows what she is expecting from a kiss. I have 3 daughters and I have been thinking about it all day. I absolutely would not think my girls were sinning by merely asking for a kiss. The boy has the choice whether or not he goes for it.

  • i think there are plenty of ways to show a guy you are interested besides being forward enough to ask for it! when i was dating my husband he new it was ok because we talked and talked and talked before the kiss even happened. if it is the right guy at the right time…aka Gods time….you will both know AND you should know each other well enough to know if the other is interested. no guy and girl should talk and spend that much time together if there is not interest on both sides. i really think if it is right you know. and the guy should be the leader. if he can’t lead enough to lead in the kiss how will he be able to lead a family through life?

  • My daughter is 13 and one of her ex-friends from Elementary was talking just today about possibly being pregnant. This may sound harsh, but my daughter will never be given permission to ask, call or initiate interest in a boy. When she is old enough to date then if a boy is interested it is okay that she lets him know she is interested, but initiating the relationship should be his responsibility.

    When I was in college I only dated church boys and everyone of them wanted more that I was willing to give them. I was single until I was 25. If a guy asked me for a kiss I told them no. My husband did not ask he just went for it. He was a good guy though. We dated 8 months and then got married. We are very happily married 22 years now.

    I guess it depends on the situation, how old the women is and how commented to God both the man and the woman is. The brief kiss is not bad it is the making out kissing that causes the lose of self control.

  • Dannah,is the definition of ‘kiss’ in the Bible different as we currently define it? Cheeks/ lips, french kissing, etc…? Might be worth looking into 🙂

  • OK I am a stickler–but in Sense and Sensibility, Elinor did not almost lose Edward because she didn’t speak up. She almost lost him because he had committed himself to another. As soon as he was FREE he came to get her. So she actually did let him know enough. Marianne ends up saying she wished she had done the same and does so the second time around. Seems nit-picking, but your comment rather misses the whole point. Elinor wins the guy in the end probably for NOT being forward…..Now,about kissing. I think that a lot would have to do with the young lady and how she wishes to be approached. Does she want to have to ask a young man to kiss her? Honestly, before a commitment, I think that if a young man has not kissed or asked to kiss the young lady he does not wish to. He either does not desire to or he wants to save that. Either way she may sabbotage the relationship by asking him to kiss her. She should be sure it is not a desire to keep his attention. I do not think asking for a kiss would be wrong. But remember Boaz, who gently told Ruth he was flattered, but that it was not quite the right way to go about things. He was very wise and basically said “Do not cheapen yourself my dear. I will look into the matter and if it comes to me then I will do things properly” Ultimately, outside of marriage I think a young lady should ask herself WHY she wants to ask him to kiss her? Does she want to get him to commit? Does she want to try to “keep” him? She should be careful.

  • Gee! I guess I’m getting thrown under the bus here, huh? Well, my point is this…and I want to try to make it one more time….DON’T YOU THINK THERE’S SOMETHING BETWEEN PLAYING HARD TO GET (i.e. TEASING or TORTURING) and BEING EASY? I just wonder if we girls torture men who want to win our hands sometimes. A few of you alluded to understanding what I’m talking about. But overall, I think you may think I’m talking about being easy or sensual or forward. (OF course, that may be from my scandalous title.) Am I just feeling sorry for guys? Or could we use some legitimate modesty with a hint of interest?

  • Hi; I just wanted to put in my 2 cents, even if it might not help. I am a single 29 year-old woman, who has had only 2 serious relationships, one before knowing GOD and one after. The first one was totally wrong and I lost more than a kiss on that one, later, when I dated a Christian man, we kissed a month after we started dating, and even though it did not go past kissing, it did not lead to marriage either, as I had hoped. To be honest, these experiences have left me cold hearted, and when people inquire about me getting married I respond sarcastically, wondering what do I need a man for??? In any case, deep down inside me, I still long not for a prince charming (the DO NOT EXIST), but only for one godly man to see me like GOD sees me, with unconditional love despite my various flaws and decide to be with me regardless, until death separates us, I know GOD created marriage for a reason, who am I to look down upon it just because it hasn’t happened to me…yet. I know maybe I am off here, but to talk specifically about kissing, I would say that If i could do it all over again, I would save every kiss and everything else for that one special person who will become my husband. ps: Once I shared with 3 single guyfriends that I would not kiss my bf until our wedding day and they all looked at me like I had swore, one of them even told me to re-think that because I would certainly lose my bf if I did not give him “something”. I hope this helps! GOD bless you 🙂

  • Not to sound harsh but is it really legitimate for women who dont believe in kissing before marriage to comment? I think in order to have an opinion about the woman asking, you have to believe that kissing is okay. Its the ASKING thats in question, not the kissing. I definately think that women need to let men lead, but we cannot expect them to know where our hearts are at any moment. I think there is so much pressure on men these days to protect our purity that they are afraid to show us affection. Women are so concerned with gaurding thier hearts that they dont open them when the right guy comes along. I think that if the couple has established that kissing is okay eventually, it is okay for the woman to let them man know when she is emotionally “there” and remind him that she appreciates affection.

  • Dannah, I already read your book but I’m going to put in my two cents and put off laundry! I think that you are getting a lot of backlash here because so many women commenting do not support kissing outside of marriage to begin with. I think that it is okay for a woman to ask for a kiss. Now I definately think that men should lead in the relationship, but leading does have limitations. The man cannot read a girl’s mind. I think that in the circle of chrisitan young men these days that are really the cream of the crop, there is a real fear of showing affection because they are so concerned about protecting us and our purity. I think its great that there are guys who make that such a priority. The problem is that it can mess with their ability to gauge where their girlfriend is at emotionally. If a couple has decided that they will kiss at some point in their dating relationship, I think that it can be appropriate for the woman to let her man know that shes “there,” at that point where she wants to express her affection more deeply. If a couple is being God-honoring in their boundaries I think that some progression of affection is a natural outpouring of growing closer, but the guys can miss the boat. I think it is okay to let a guy know that you’re at that point, because with all the modesty and protecting going around sometimes the romance suffers. A girl needs to feel affection!

  • I think maybe you should have approached your question differently. Asking if its ok to ask for a kiss and asking if their is a middle ground between being a tease or easy is really a completely different question in my book. I dont think girls who are brought up to respect men and look for their prince charming would be either of those things. She would know not to tease a boy just for the attention or to just give herself over. You can easily show your interested in a man without kissing him, asking for a kiss or doing anything physical. A good woman/girl can use her words and actions. You can smile more often, truly enjoy being in his company and many other things. I have an 11 year old boy who is already being teased by the girl he likes. She certainly is not teasing him because she is being modest or Godly. She is trying to fit in the crowd and be cool. If she makes him beg a little for her attention, then she is thought of as cooler by her peers and boosts her self confidence. Asking for a kiss is not the middle ground here. Being an honest girl who is comfortable in her own skin (opposite of what society is teaching them today) will make a girl know how to be in that middle ground without being a tease or easy.

  • I am quite shy when it comes to expressing feelings. I can’t imagine asking for a kiss. He would have to do that. But at this point in my life I’m leaning towards saving my first kiss for marriage. I do think it’s okay to ask for a kiss from your husband.

  • We are talking about older teens right, who are thinking about a future marriage partner? Not casual dating?
    I don’t think it would be wrong to give a kiss or do something to show interest. I think thats different from making out in a car!
    if she was really interested in a guy I would think that she should definitely encourage the relationship! I don’t think girls should play hard to get or be easy! I mean it’s hard enough for guys to figure out what we want already without complicating it! There might be other things too, to show interest like asking him to spend time with the family going places or watching movies, inviting him to her house. Holding hands on a walk. Write a note or card. Sitting together in church. There has to be a level of relationship/commitment to each other without being too sexual. I think. But my daughter is only 13 so I might change my mind 😉

  • I think that a girl asking for a kiss is a dangerous thing, it gets a guy thinking of other things and wondering how far he can get with you! No matter how good or nice his intentions seem at first, when you enter in a relationship and get “physical” a guy naturally desires to keep going, as the Lord created him to (within the bounds of marriage of course). I personally experienced this, much to my embarrassment. Having dated a guy for almost two years, and going from a couple that read our Bibles together and challenged each other to a couple that pretty much just kissed the whole time we were together, I can definitely vouch for the dangers of asking for a kiss, or initiating it (as I did!!) so be careful!!!

  • I believe that you should save your kissing until marriage. After all, you become emotionally attached to those who you become physical with, and your husband deserves to have a physically and mentally pure wife. I personally have made a decision to save my first kiss until marriage. I think its just one more way to guard my mind from impure thoughts. By the way, Dannah, I would like to thank you for your ministry to young girls. I have very much enjoyed reading And the Bride Wore White, LYWB, and Secret Keeper. I also think your ministry with Pure Freedom is very neat. You don’t realize how much it means to girls like me! Keep on serving Jesus!

  • I think that kissing outside of marriage is not okay whether you are engaged or not. I mean don’t you want to save that first kiss for your wedding day? Pure and guiltless? Sacred and beautiful? Also kissing outside of marriage can lead to other more intimate things. It’s just not safe. And also, if your engaged, why not wait a little longer to have your first kiss? I’m not going to kiss outside of marriage! I’m waiting.
    Jaime Brown 15

  • Dannah, First, I’d just like to say I borrowed my best friend’s versions of “secret Keeper” and really liked it. It was very thought provoking. 😀
    Now, for my answer. I’m not sure. I think that there is definitly a time and a place for a woman to ask for a kiss, but from her husband. Each person has their own boundaries, what they feel is acceptable or not. We must be very careful to keep pur boundaries in line with God’s word. Personally, I don’t want to be kissed until the day I am married and there after. I don’t feel that I am strong enough to say no to the other temptations that come with it as well, make sense? I might let him kiss me on the cheek after we’re engaged, but not quite sure… I think after marriage asking your husband to kiss you is fine, it’s just before that. This is a very thought provoking question as well. 😀 I think it’ll be neat to here the pastor say ” you may NOW kiss the Bride.” 😀

    ~ Cherish

  • I think that if you get down to it, the process of finding a mate is very different from century to century, and even different from culture to culture in modern day times. Looking at biblical examples of godly pairings is a great place to start. Some women were very forward, like Ruth, some were told that they won the man’s heart in a beauty pageant, like Esther. I don’t think that God glorifies either of these methods as the best way to find a spouse, but he uses them to do *much* good for his people.

    I think Philippians 4:4-9 is a great place to go when you’re considering a potential spouse. Lineate the godly characteristics that you see God putting on your heart and then pray that God will lead you to that person. I think the “how” is less important than the “who”.

    That being said, I truly believe that each situation is different. I think it is about personalities and your individual situations.

  • Kisses are sweet sensations of expression that lock the person, the moment, the breath taking experience in the other’s mind. This is something I haven’t experienced before and I plan to wait until I know the one I “lip lock” with is my husband…the one who deserves every single kiss I have to offer.
    Now, being 24, I of course have had a few boyfriends as well as different experiences with guys that have left me scratching my head thinking, “Did I do something wrong? Didn’t he know I liked him? Or did I just not make myself clear?” I have realized that because guys have different personalities, some are shy and may need a push from the girl (as in the girl point blank telling him almost with a huge flashing sign screaming, “I LIKE YOU!”), other guys take the lead and initiate the pursuit.
    Also, us women need to remember that guys can NOT read our minds and a lot of the time can not read between the lines of what we are saying/asking of them.

    A Cute story to share:
    Recently, I have begun a courtship with my best friend and have tried to stay alert in how I continue to let him know that I like him in that way. This also comes from knowing his love language (words of affirmation and quality time).
    Well, one night when we went out walking after having dinner. Hand in hand we explored a snow covered bridge, watched water rush down a river, and talked about our dreams. At one point, he twirled me, brought me in close to him and just gazed into my eyes. I then teasingly said (in the Sandra Bullock, Miss Congeniality, way), “You really liikke me, you want to kiisss me, but you doonn’t, BECAUSE you like me!” Even though I said it in a teasing way, it was also an amazing reality of how much he really respects me and honors me.

    I could go on and on about this topic! Haha. But I will just leave it with this for now.

  • I think we could definitely use some “legitimate modesty with a hint of interest”. I’m not sure exactly where I stand on a girl asking for a kiss. I guess, for me personally, I would think it’s okay between a boyfriend and girlfriend that have already established roles of leadership in the relationship. I think it would be a little too forward for a girl to ask for that first kiss. But then again, my answer is not set in stone. I do think girls, myself included, should be more considerate of guys who are interested in them, and who they are also interested in. Let’s not make the poor guys agonize over the question of whether we share their interest. We can certainly do that, while being modest and letting him lead.

  • Hi Dannah! I don’t think that you are looking for an excuse for a lady to be inappropriate. I think too many girls lead guys on, tugging on their poor little hearts, just to get a laugh out of it. I also think that some girls are not forward enough. If a guy shows interest and the girl seems at all interested, she should state her feelings. Whatever they are! Either, “hey I have had the biggest crush on you too”, or “you know I am not sure what I feel towards you but I sure would love to get to know you.” or “I am sorry but I am not interested.”

    My story: I have 2 children outside of wedlock. After my second child was born I decided my way wasn’t working so well for me, so I decided to turn my life over to God and do things his way. I was single for a year when a guy I had already known (and knew he liked me because he was always so forward about it) approached me. Now because I had left a lifestyle that he was still continuing to live I was very straight forward with him. I simply told him that if he wanted to have any sorts of a relationship with me that he would leave that lifestyle and come into my world because I was not and refused to go back into that world (drugs, partying, sex ALL the time). I told him that I had made a promise to God and myself that I would not have sex until I was married, and that if he wasn’t okay with that, then to hit the road! He made the choice to leave that lifestyle, change his ways, and we have been happily married for 3 1/2 yrs and have had 2 children (to add to my other 2). Now, during our dating period we kissed, and we kissed a lot, and almost found ourselves in a physical state that would cause me to break my promise with God. So, as far as that is concerned, everyone has a limit, and everyone needs to figure out what their limit is. In other words, like your post a while back about kissing… how deep of a kiss is too deep. I feel that a kiss on the cheek or maybe a light peck on the lips is one thing but as soon as it lasts longer then a second and tongues starts getting involved, I feel you will be in for a world of hurt.

    Just my 2 cents. 🙂 Thank you Dannah for being willing to touch on these subjects that most of us would be afraid to do. I love your work and reference it all the time! You are AMAZING! God has given you great talent and knowledge. I look forward to this book.

  • I think based off of scripture it is clear that there is nothing wrong with a woman taking lead in sexual relations, as long as the man takes the lead in other cases. However, outside of marriage (ie dating relationships) I see where your having trouble with this one. As far as ASKING for a kiss, I feel that it shouldn’t be done. You should be able to read your significant other and tell whether or not a they would like a kiss or not. If you going around asking for a kiss, your too desperate. But, you definitely need to show interest in the boy, however you can show interest by making complimentary comments, hugs, or holding hands.

  • Oh, this is so interesting! I don’t know… it’s a difficult issue. Personally, I would prefer to be pursued and I really can’t imagine me ever ‘asking for a kiss’ but I don’t think it would be wrong. My Dad told me recently that I am too standoffish with guys and it might make them think that I think I’m too good for them etc. I guess I think it’s best to just act friendly! I read somewhere that men should lead in all aspects and that this means that women should wait for men to initiate conversations and fill awkward pauses. I think this is taking it a tad far! I mean, it’s all very well to be the ‘pursued’ but there is nothing wrong with being kind and chatty 🙂 But then again, after reading your last post on ‘can guys and girls just be friends’ I’m not sure! Anyhow, thanks for the post! Megan P.s. Stop distracting me, Dannah- I’m supposed to be revising for exams 🙂

  • @Leigh Ann
    People might called you old fashioned but I’m 14 years old and personally believe that girls shouldn’t ask for a kiss until marriage. I’m saving my first kiss for my husband and just thinking about that magical moment gives me so much joy! I do believe that girls HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY of letting the man know that she likes him, but never forgetting to be sutyl.

  • First off, I think that if you’re going to kiss in a relationship that is for sure going to commit but has not commuted yet you should first set very high boundaries on the kissing. And they guy should be the one to offer up the first kiss. But my brother dated a girl who never showed any interest in holding his hand or anything. But when he offered she would of course. But my brother is a Christian and he pus his whole heart into any girl he dates. I f you have a Christian man, that is very romantic but able to set boundaries himself. I think its important to show you care to. Never ever fullbou making out until married. But i think a girl can offer to hold hands 1st (after he has already helbyour hand before) but like on random occasions grab his hand. And maybe a sweet kiss on the cheek. My best advice is to be very careful with kissing tho because that always leads to wanting more. But also think of how you would feel if you were always the one begging to hold hands or for a kiss. Not fun. So put yourself in his shoes and think it out 😉

  • I have been in both situations. The couple where I was more of the pursuer than the guy never went anywhere and only gave me anxiety. The one where he pursued me were easy and lasting. He continues to pursue because I continue to accept his invites, seem engaged, kiss him back when he kisses me, and let him get my doors, etc. There may be no biblical precedence for either situation but there seems to be an underlying natural order to things.

  • From my experience, if God brought you to it, He will lead you through it. After being in a relationship in which the man I had been dating continually lied and cheated on me (not just physically but emotionally), needless to say I was a bit “gun shy” to even began dating other people. I don’t enjoy dating- either I like someone, or I don’t. If I don’t, I don’t. That seemed to be the case with a lot of prospective suitors. Finally, I met someone whom I really liked. The first moment I met him, I felt relaxed and comfortable around him. I felt I could be myself- no games, no pretending. We had hung out a few more times, talked a bit, texted once in awhile, but I knew that he was someone with whom I could see myself getting serious. When people tell you, you just “know”; well, this is definitely true in this situation. I am not always good about reading men- with him, it was no different. I don’t assume anything, so I didn’t assume he liked me or not. I was getting ready to leave, and I just kissed him- it was almost like a reflex! It is like when you see a piece of candy, and you just grab it. Afterwards, I was slightly embarrassed- as I have a tendency to do something and then think about it later- he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, if I had given him the chance, I believe there would have been more than just kissing going on. I left- knowing that I do not just want a physical relationship. It’s difficult, as I really like him. I have been praying for God to give me signs- what He desires. Since then, he has been in contact with me. I have let him know I’m interested; now, it’s up to him to decide what he’s going to do with that. I think relationships are such a gift, and he’d be a fool to pass me by. My gut feeling is that he’s as into me as I am him: time will tell. God knows the desires of my heart, and I know that He will fulfill them- one way or the other.

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