#1 Sexual Myth: “It’s Ok If You Lose Your Virginity”

Virginity is under attack.

Our culture applauds every sexual choice except virginity.

But my concern isn’t the opinion of the world. Though I’ve had opportunity to address the secular ideology of sexuality through mediums such as CNN.com, FoxNews or in my TedTalk, I don’t feel primarily called to change the culture. It’s the Church I’m worried about.

Last year Christian bloggers spent a lot of energy decrying the Christian purity movement. It seems to have been fueled by a story I identify with that was poignantly penned by blogger Sarah Bessey whose encounters with purity preaching men made her feel like “damaged goods.”  I, too, once hid in the shame of my sexual sin. I, too, once felt like damaged goods. I, too, think that inviting audience members to spit in cups creates a shallow and shame-fueling illustration about the “damaged goods” we become if we’ve had sex. And that leaves Christians looking stupid, if not intolerably graceless. (Weeks after reading her blog, I found myself in a seminar by a leading third wave feminist who used an actual photo from a purity ball to point to the agreeably unintelligent and unkind approach one purity ministry took. The image was of a petal-less trampled rose.)

The thinking of these cup-spitting preachers and rose-trampling ministries is not deep. They do, in fact, create a lot of space to move sinners away from Jesus. Not closer to him. Perhaps that is what moved the blogging world to put the entire purity movement in its place last year.

Purity has become a “problem”, one lamented.

Virginity is Christianity’s “main idol” was the accusation.

Much of their discontent is valid.

But most of the conversation seemed to fall short of having a foundation of a solid sexual theology. And I want to take a few days to speak into the stupidity. Forgive me if that sounds blunt, but so many of these articles hide behind the pretense of great writing but carry a sexual theology that’s ankle deep. I may ruffle some feathers. (I will certainly crumple some spitting cups and attempt to use refreshing water to revive trampled roses.) But may I speak into the five sexual myths that are floating around in the blog-osphere?

Myth #1: It’s OK If You Lose Your Virginity

Sarah’s blog—while beautiful in its transparency—perpetuated one of the worst myths floating around out there. She wrote:

“So, you had sex before you were married.
It’s okay.
Really. It’s okay.
There is no shame in Christ’s love. Let him without sin cast the first stone. You are more than your virginity – or lack thereof – and more than your sexual past.
Your marriage is not doomed because you said yes to the boys you loved as a young woman. Your husband won’t hold it against you, he’s not that weak and ego-driven, choose a man marked by grace.
It’s likely you would make different choices, if you knew then what you know now, but, darling, don’t make it more than it is, and don’t make it less than it is. Let it be true, and don’t let anyone silence you or the redeeming work of Christ in your life out of shame.”

I would have loved to have heard that last paragraph when I was fifteen. I might not have spent nearly ten years living in the same shame-filled place that Sarah got stuck in. And while I understand her heart, I just have to say that a few years of learning has left me with a different response to this paragraph.  I want to say this clearly and without confusion: If you’ve had sex outside of marriage, it’s NOT OK.

And you, most likely, are not OK.

I’ve counseled hundreds of women in my twelve years of ministry. Mostly because, like Sarah, I told my story. Unlike the cup-spitting trick, authentic transparency in the body of Christ makes the confession of our sin and damaged soul feel safe rather than shame-filled. (For that aspect of her blog, I applaud Sarah!) Transparency sends a clear message: “You’re not alone.” And that truth is one of the souls greatest balms. Many have come to me to pour out their spittle-filled cups of shame and ask for help to heal their broken hearts. If I’ve learned one thing in praying with these women, it’s this:

It’s not OK.

They’re not OK.

One of many reasons is that there is a chemical and spiritual bond created when two people have sex. The bonding that occurs when you have sex with someone is not just emotional and spiritual, but physiological. Some people call this “enmeshment” and some call it “soul ties.” Though Sarah mentioned them in her blog as if they were a fallacy, the science of sex suggests otherwise.

A chemical called dopamine is released in the brain during sex. It creates a sense of peace and pleasure. In essence, this chemical reminds you to come back for more because it likes the state of your brain after the pleasure that was just experienced. In essence, it’s a “craving” chemical. It makes you want more. Creates addiction. Dopamine attaches you to the source of pleasure.

Another chemical released during sex is oxytocin.  A tiny dose is released during skin-to-skin touching and a much bigger dose at orgasm. This chemical is also beautifully released at the intimate moments when a mother breast feeds her baby. It’s purpose: to bond you.

Dr. Joe McIlhaney, founder of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, claims that “the desire to connect is not just an emotional feeling. Bonding is real and almost like the adhesive effect of glue—a powerful connection that cannot be undone without great emotional pain.”[i]

It’s the undoing that hurts so much. That leaves us so very not OK.

The knowledge of sexual bonding is nothing new. The Apostle Paul wrote,

“Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh” (I Corinthians 6:16).

When you sleep with someone, your body takes it seriously. Thinks it’s forever.

When it’s not forever.

It’s not OK.

We find ourselves broken whether or not we’ve been exposed to lousy preaching. We find ourselves ashamed whether or not the Church has clumsily agitated the wound.

And I’m not sure that those agitations are entirely bad. The line is fine between shame and guilt. And while shame is a tool of Satan, guilt is a good gift from God. Shames says, “You’re bad.” Guilt says, “Oh, you’re worth so much more than the bad thing you chose.” Guilt—like the ability to feel heat that could burn us— calls us away from things that burn our soul and invites us something better.  If we are not careful, we end up allowing an “it’s OK” mentality to dull our conscience. And the enemy of our souls would love nothing better. For, you see, the Holy Spirit speaks to us through our conscience. (I Tim. 1:5; I Peter 3:16; Romans 12:2) In Romans 9:1 the Apostle Paul says, “I speak the truth in Christ–I am not lying, my conscience confirms it through the Holy Spirit–…” Oh, that we would graciously welcome the pricking of our conscience whether it comes clumsily or through intelligent eloquence!

I want to plead with and beg those with a voice in the blog-world to write prayerfully that we may never impose a denial of the conscience. If there is a need for the Holy Spirit to prick the conscience of the Church, it is in the area of sexuality. Sex is sacred and deserves incredible honor. Holy sex is a picture of the redeeming work of Christ in our lives (Ephesians 5:31,32), which is what makes it so sad when we dishonor the sacred gift.

Saying it is OK to dishonor the sacred act of sex is like saying it’s OK for a bride to wear a skimpy bikini to a formal wedding ceremony in Westminster Abbey. (An unbelievably new and tasteless trend in bridal fashion.) And yet some will choose to be more offended at the photo than what is happening in the Church’s sexual theology.

Treating sexual sin as normal is an ignorant and offensive faux paux when you have a deep understanding of the sexual theology. We cannot just say “it’s ok” when we treat sexuality as common and dishonor the marriage bed. There’s more at stake than our shame and broken bonding systems. We must get over ourselves and think beyond “me” to see what is really at stake when we sin sexually.

Look back at Genesis, Church. Sex was not created only for us to have fun, nor to pro-create. It was God’s intention that he provide a magnificent way for us to understand the passionate love he has for us.

A man.

A woman.

Shameless oneness.

The perfect Artist’s interpretation of original Love.

Sex is meant to be a masterfully crafted picture of His love for us. His grace-filled, void-of-shame love. And while we can walk in that love no matter what moral choices we’ve made in the past, why do we ever want to send a message that “it’s OK” if we’ve spray-painted God’s masterpiece with grafitti?

Did I just join the the cup-spitters and rose tramplers?

No. This is not that.

This is an intelligent conversation about something that deserves to be protected and honored. A treasured work of art created by the Master Artist. While I’m one who has been guilty of marring the portrait, I refuse to devalue it by saying that what I did or how I felt after was OK. It’s not OK. Every act of sexual sin makes the conscience of the Church at large duller and duller. And that risks the loss of this beautiful work of art that portrays the love of Christ.

As Pastor John Piper so eloquently puts it in Sex and The Supremacy of Christ:

“Sexuality is designed by Christ as a way to know God more fully; and knowing Christ more fully in all his infinite supremacy is designed as a way of guarding and guiding our sexuality. All sexual corruption serves to conceal the true knowledge of Christ, and the true knowledge of Christ serves to prevent sexual corruption.”

I want to know Him. I want others to know him. And that is why we must declare sexual sin and it’s aftermath very much not OK! Dr Peter Jones claims that a solid sexual theology is critical to letting the lost world see Him. He wrote: “If Christians do not find the courage to address the biblical teaching on sex, we will wake up one day to find themselves and the gospel completely marginalized.”[ii]

The knowledge of this led me to bravely say, “I’m not OK.” That, I have found, is the first step in healing. The second is telling someone, “I’m not OK.” (James 5:16) I rushed to find safe places in the Church for healing. And found them. Those places are a plethora of Christians who carry an intelligent faith.

  • They apply grace-fueled, shameless healing.
  • They do not use cup-spitting and rose trampling to call us out.
  • They are not afraid of sexual sin and it’s graphic confessions.
  • They carry the power of miraculous prayer to fix the unholy soul ties.

My story of redemption included a brave truth-filled sexual theology that called me to embrace what the Holy Spirit was speaking to my conscience and to pursue holiness and purity.

A fresh start…

And, then…I was OK.

“The ultimate reason (not the only one) we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable.”

-John Piper

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.”

(Hebrews 13:4a)

Read my 8-year study of sexual theology for college-aged women in “What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex.”


[i]Joe S. McIlhaney & Fred McKissic Bush, MD Hooked: New Science On How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children (Chicago, Northfield: 2008), page 37.

[ii] Peter Jones, The God of Sex, (Colorado Springs, CO, David C. Cook: 2006), page 9.



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  • Thank you Dannah, for your steadfast dedication to the purity of the gospel and the souls of girls. As I’ve observed the waters becoming muddy, I grieve and pray. God’s mercy and grace are glorious, but lose their value in the eyes of sinful people if we don’t realize the horrific offense of our sin toward a Holy God.

    James 4:4-7
    4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
    5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: “He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us”?
    6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
    7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
    8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
    9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

    We must lower to be lifted, we must grieve to be pardoned.

  • I’m with you one hundred percent, but I just have to tell you that I don’t appreciate the photo. I know scantily-clad women are everywhere to the point that we’re almost numb to them, but I would hope at least here I could safe from the onslaught. Also, what’s happening with the New Year’s Feast? I was getting so much out of it and I miss it! I thought it was supposed to be ten days… Bottom line, I love you for what you’re doing and the way you’re carrying out the mission God has given you, thank you!

    • Brooke, I appreciate your confrontation. I have gotten a few emails from close friends with the same concern. I spent the morning praying and struggling with what to do. I do realize that this photo is very out of character for me/my blog/my ministry team. I’m on the bus with my tour team and pastor’s wife today and we looked it over and made a decision to modify the blog post slightly to explain the intent of the photo, but to keep the highly offensive photo. Here is why: of all the photos of the current trend for brides to wear bikinis (either swim wear or under garments) IN THEIR WEDDING CEREMONY, this was the most modest I could find. (And I do realize that “modest bikini” is an oxymoron, but I was trying to find the least offensive visual image of the trend.) But the fact is: what’s happening in the sexual theology of the Church is far more offensive and I wanted to make that point. I may be wrong. I realize that but with my husband and my pastor’s wife beside me we’re choosing to keep it public. I hope people are offended. Not just at the photo but the illustration it makes of how the church is being so tasteless and inappropriate about it’s approach to sexual theology.

  • I think that one of the things that bother me the most is that people don’t think that you can control these urges. Sure sex is wonderful, but the thought that you can’t control yourself or because you are a teen you have no self control. It’s just ridiculous.

    • Can you control sexual urges? Yes. Or no one would ever stay faithful ever. But….Well the difficult thing about that thinking is that we all know sex is about LOSING CONTROL. So how is it that we have a hard time understanding that the ability to control our urges depends on the environment we place ourselves in. Even teens need to learn that they have to be wise in their choices so they can be in control of their sexuality.

  • Thank you for this. This subject is something that still very much haunts me and I don’t believe I will ever move past, despite being married for over 16 years. Being molested, I entered into my later teens very angry and very self destructive until I had been married for several years. I wish I could change it. I wish someone had talked to me when I was growing up about what a precious gift it was and to save it, and to know how to say no. I’m hoping that I can teach my own daughters to save themselves for marriage, but I know how difficult it will be in the society in which we live, but I’m sure going to keep trying. They are tweens, so it’s hard to know the balance of what to share and what to not share at this point, and wanting to protect them – but I also know that if I protect them too much, they won’t be any better off than I was.

    • Beth, I am going to have my team send you a copy of “What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex.” It has a chapter in it on the topic of sexual healing and contains a sexual healing prayer that I think will be helpful for you. Another resource I highly recommend is Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” bible study. Get a copy today if you’ve not done it yet. Much love and prayers for your journey of healing, my friend. You are precious!

      • Thank you so much! I will definitely check out the bible study too. I know with God all things are possible and that I’m forgiven, it’s just hard to forgive myself some days. And I know I’ve come so far from where I was, but still a big work in progress. It’s very important for me to “get it right” for my girls and I so appreciate everything you do, it’s such a wonderful blessing to me. Thank you and God bless you.

  • Hi Dannah! I really appreciate how you addressed this! Excellently portrayed with grace and truth. Unfortunately, I can’t share or like it on behalf of the young men I’m friends with due to the picture attached. One of my girlfriends was afraid to read it because of the picture as well. Which is sad, because what you are saying here is really good; a message that needs to be heard by men and women and women of all ages.

  • What an encouragement this is! I am choosing to stay pure until my wedding night and this is such an encouragement why I need to do so! Sexual sin is so rampant in our society it is so hard to stay away from it nth this just solidifies why we need to be in prayer even more to protect our bodies and hearts. I am excited for my wedding night but this is why I must wait until the commitment of marriage! Thank you for sharing so that I can encourage other women my age to remain pure because of the high standard of living Christ has called us to! Looking forward to reading the other 4 myths! Thank you for your transparency and biblical wisdom!

  • I’m sorry but one right does not make a right. You are completely contradicting everything you say. If it is wrong to be immodest than it is always wrong. Simply because you are using to prove a point does not make it right.you are essentially saying to sin is ok if it produces an ultimate good. People will not be able to respect what you write..

      • Dannah, I appreciate you taking the photo down. I have two daughters, so these issues are important for me and my husband – I was not able to share this article with him before, but I can now.

  • Why remove the photo thats why i checked this artical out. Threw all my years sex feels the same with about everyone so i dont see how saving yourself will make it better. If anything id say it would be worse. I mean you wait fpr 20+ years, then as a guy your only going to last seconds. That wpuld be very embarrassing and disappointing

    • Rico, the evidence suggests that sex is most satisfying when it is handled with sacred treatment, not casual lust. Here’s a TED Talk I delivered on the topic that may help you think through that. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C24CmKxRPdQ If you are having sex with a lot of people and not finding it fulfilling, perhaps you could try some self-control for a while until the right person comes along.

  • Yes it’s ok to lose it before marriage if you know for a
    Fact that guy will be there and be with you after so yea
    It’s ok and it’s soo not a sin because god wants us
    To be healthy and it’s a proven fact that sex is healthy
    So it’s good not a sin y’all grown people will never understand
    Wat us teenagers believe in cause y’all were the LAST

    • Oh, Katie, I can’t agree. God’s guidelines for us are good and he says that sex is best within the confines of marriage. The idea that we can disobey this leaves us hungering for sexual pleasure. Let’s just look at the science of it.

      One Penn State study of students who experienced their first sexual encounter in college found that men felt better about themselves after having sex for the first time, while women tended to report a decline in body image after sex. This alarmed me. It is counterintuitive to the purpose of the nuerochemicals. This should increase a woman’s sense of peace about who she as well as bonding her to her partner. However, ground breaking research at the University of California found that woman who aren’t in the context of commitment didn’t produce oxytocin in the same magnificent way that those in life-time mutually monogamous relationships do.
      Maybe the ancient Hebrew culture was on to something when it used the word “Yada” to describe the act of sex. The word means “to know, to be known, to be deeply respected.” Not one inkling of the physical act taking place, it transcended the physical and spoke of the emotional knowing that truly great sex provides.
      A Psychology Today study found that most people enjoy the act of sex more when it was prefaced by love. You just can’t enjoy sex AS FULLY without the context of commitment. Marriage gives us that.

  • Its not okay as someone who had no information and grew up without any guidance. I had the pleasure of a broken relationship and a broken heart. Im not making it an idol. But this has brought me such grief into my life and God will sometimes painfully show you why its never ok. AND you a sleeping with someones future spouse..how is it ok to committ preadultery bc if the relationship doesnt last ones built on untruth rarely do unless God intervenes. You are putting that persons marriage in jeapardy, or your heart as they marry another and you are left. So its NEVER worth it. One man one woman one life.

  • I’m waiting till I get married. And it IS hard. And it seems like the older I get (32 now) the harder it is to wait. I really don’t believe Sarah is saying go out and lose your virginity, but I think (could be wrong) what she’s saying is. Yes you sinned and while that’s not ok, it’s ok because God has forgiven you. You are redeemed in Jesus. You have a fresh start from this point forward, you can say no. You don’t have to hold on to the shame, because even though you didn’t wait, you can choose to from this point on. (if you’re single)Virginity is not something that should be taken lightly, but I think if people hear it’s not ok, that could lead them to feeling even more shame.

  • This article itself actually has the opposite effect you wanted it to. You’re telling girls who have chosen to be in control of their own bodies and beings to lament because they’ve sinned and are doomed etc. you should be saying the opposite as a so called “woman of Christ”, that they made a conscious decision that some will accept and some will not. You, however, have no right to judge. As a follower of Christ myself, I highly down he looked down on me and cast me out of his love for the choice I made.

    • Hannah, I’m not sure I really understand your comment so it’s a little difficult to respond but here goes….I had sex with a boy when I was fifteen. I don’t look down on anyone who does. I did it. But the decision isn’t ours. It’s God’s. He made our bodies and designed sex and his guide book tells us it’s treasured and holy and deserves to be used within the confines of marriage. Don’t think for a second that we get to make our own calls on this. If we are his, our bodies are too. My desire is just to help young women make good choices and to find healing if they need it.

  • I have some mixed feelings with your article!
    Before explaining why I’ll explain a bit about myself first. I am a psychologist, 22 years old, not a virgin, when I was young I used to be catholic but I’m not, I don’t believe in God now, though I fully respect every religion as long as it doesn’t harm anyone.

    Up to why I have mixed feelings.
    Because of my career I understand that we are free to do what we want, however this “freedom” will always have consequences, wise freedom will bring us joy in the long term even if it can mean losing some things at present time.
    Sex is good, sex is an important part of the bond with your partner and sex feels extremely nice, in our out of a relationship.

    However, making it for the first time, is something that has to be done with extreme caution. Hearts will be broken easily, lies will hurt deeper and bonds will, most of times, become more fragile after sex. It is not something I wish for a young person who is starting to discover him/herself, to discover herself as a sexual being, as a person, who is just developing their personality and who is starting to discover what they really want in life. It hurts me soo deeply when I see some young girl has had sex because after that, evertyhing feels so sexualized, so not innocent, and ruining that to please a guy that might not be there after it’s just sad.

    I lost it to my then-best-friend and it was good TO ME, but what worked for me may never work for someone else who is more fragile, and in need of love, I said thenbest friend because of course sex created a bond that could damage the relationships we developed later, so I decided to break it off when I started the relationship with the guy I am with now. For me, sex created a bond with a person that protected me from many things, but hell, don’t lose your virginity just because it’s cool, because all your friends did it, or because you want to bond. Do it under your own terms, when you know it will satisfy you, when you know you won’t dissappoint yourself (not because you dissappoint God, and don’t take me wrong, but values aren’t tied to a creator, values are tied to who we are, and we must always be true to ourselves).

    And over all, in life, choose someone with your same tastes to go to a concert, to have fun, to talk, etc. But choose someone with your same values to have a relationship.

  • Perhaps this comment will be a bit late, but at least it’s here. I also apologize if this comment ends up on here twice (I have no idea how comments work on this site, and I may have sent it twice by accident). I am a young girl (of legal sex age) who is considering having sex with my boyfriend of 2 years. I am also a Baptist, but I am also currently studying to be a psychologist. As such, I like to think things through, then run it by God to see if it’s okay. But I am not commenting for my own reasons, though this post has been helpful in my decision.

    My mother did not wait until marriage, but even if she had, it wouldn’t have been a good thing (and I don’t mean not fun). That entire marriage was a disaster (though she says my sister and I were the only good things that came out of it). My father was a drug addict, and he still is. Put simply, he had most of the seven deadly sins covered. He has no contact with me or my older sister. However, my mother had almost gotten married once before she married my father. She nearly married a man named Rob.

    She told me that Rob was a decent man, and she liked him well enough. But she broke off the engagement when she met the true love of her life. A man named Kurt. No, she had not lost her virginity to him either, and no, he was not my father. She knew deep in her heart, and God seemed to confirm it, that Kurt was her true love. She told me what true love was like. She told me the whole story shortly after she found out he had died a few years back. It was only about 2 months ago that she found out, I believe.

    I am doing a poor job of explaining this, I’m sure. But I know one thing. She told me that she saw in my boyfriend and I what she and Kurt had. She said that I had probably found the love of my life, and to hold onto it. My boyfriend and I have been on and off, but every time we got back together, our bond was stronger. My boyfriend, though he himself is not a believer, has always been there for me. When I was almost raped by my former best friend’s brother (long story, I will spare you the details), my boyfriend was there. He told me, that even during the times where we were broken up, that I could go to him for ANYTHING. And I have. But more than that, we seem to share a sort of link. There have been times where I have known exactly when he’s had panic attacks, and he’d be in a different city entirely. He and I are very close.

    However. Enough with me, my life, and my issues. My boyfriend showed me a link [to an article about a girl who saved her virginity for her wedding and regretted it.]
    This story is why he believes that sex is something you choose, and that the church should not choose for you. He was formerly Catholic, by the way. I am inclined to agree with him. While we do have too many teens these days who are going off having sex for fun, marriage might not always be a choice. There are many reasons that might prevent you from marrying the partner God has chosen for you. And some of those might be death, or drugs, or Satan getting into the relationship and turning your partner away from God. I have heard the horror stories of those who have waited, and I’ve heard the horror stories of those who have not. I have done hours of research on such things. Like I mentioned earlier, I am considering losing my virginity to who I believe is God’s partner for me. But I am not stupid. I have spent hours upon hours reading both sides. The good, the bad, the Christians, and the “sinners” (as we are so quick to forget that none of us are without sin, and tend to point fingers). If you can’t wait until marriage for whatever reason, at least make an educated choice. Talk to God about it. Know what you’re up against. Know if this person is truly someone you could spend your life with.

    I understand the youth is corrupt. I’m part of that youth. I see that corruption in action. I have a friend who has a demon after him. I know many who have turned their backs on God. I have a cousin who might be possessed. I can see what you adults are all saying. I’m living through it. But that’s the thing. We will never be each other. We will never know the stories of others, or see the pressure. But you cannot make general statements about my generation unless you ARE that generation, just as I cannot do the same for yours.

    Yeah, we’re stupid sometimes. We all are. No one is without sin. Sometimes, we sin for love. Sometimes, we sin for greed. Sometimes, we sin for lust. We all sin. And guess what? God loves us anyway. So for every one of you who’s saying that God will hate my generation for being kinda slutty, I disagree. Word of scandal spreads faster now, with the internet and social media. But every generation had its share of the sin. And if any of you think God is going to hate you for it, you’re sadly mistaken. God loves us. He forgave our sins. He knows all our sins before we even do them. I’m not saying to sin anyway because you’re forgiven. I’m saying He already knows. I guess my final words to you are these. If you think God will not love you because you had sex, or because you happened to make a mistake, then your God is far too small. God bless all of you.

    • Kitsune, you’re being influenced strongly by stories of people and how they’ve regretted things. You’ve also presented your story very transparently and in honesty. Here’s the problem, you are basing your opinion of what God thinks about sex and how we approach it based on stories. People’s experiences. Stories are not scripture. Only God’s Word can tell you what he thinks about sex. Look there. Look deeply. I’d love to send you a free copy of my book Get Lost: A Girl’s Guide to Finding True Love. It helps you look at the topic of LOVE from God’s word. Might be a good tool. I’ll also send What Are YOu Waiting For which will help you think more about the language of sex in the Bible. Pray you’ll read these before you make a final decision about sex before marriage.

      • I have not yet decided, and I would greatly appreciate those books. However, I think that I have been incorrectly answering the “Mail” section required for comments, and I’m guessing that that section should have been my address. Oops. Well, seeing as those books would be very benificial to myself (and possibly even some of the young girls at my church, who I may pass those books on to), I would like to give you my address in a more private manner. Would it be possible for you to give me your email?

          • Thanks alot for all these teachings,..I was going crazy over this issue of sex before marriage.Iam 18 years old and all my friends have done it.This has always made me feel like Iam leading a boring life without the fun that all my friends talk about when they speak of sex.Now I thank God that he has given mh streangth to still hold on through these teachings,..thenks alot and may God bless u and help me hold on till I fulfill a holy wedding.

  • im not Okay and it I feel silenced bc other trying to protect the innocent. its so not okay..bc now I am feeling like trash. used and unwanted its wrong to make anyone feel this way. and I probably wont experience marriage. I wish someone had told me to wait. what if there were no second chanced. what if you had to marry your first or not at all. maybe less family struggles and divorces. think of thevfuture spouse you harm when you do. you end up even more cast out. its not EVER worth it.

  • As a college student in her early 20’s I am faced with the dilemma of honoring my religion as a Christian and waiting for marriage or choosing to have sex with my long term boyfriend of 5 years. Firstly your blog has been helpful in confirming that sex before marriage is wrong in the eyes of the church and my fellow Christians however I worry that the church teaches young woman like myself that sex is wrong… And not okay as you put it. Your virginity becomes your identity and you are only worthy if you are a virgin. I’d hate to think that my worth as a child of God is based on the fact of whether I am pure or not nevermind the fact that my heart is pure… Secondly if sex is better and more fulfilling when married why are they so many married couple who are dissatisfied with they sex lives? As I said I’m still undecided on where I stand on the issue.

    • Carla…what an honest post. Good thoughts. Good questions. You face an important decision. First things first, God loves you no matter what you decide. There is nothing you can ever do to make him love you more. There is nothing you can ever do to make him love you less. Period. He’s crazy about you girl. His guidelines for our sexual lives are to keep us safe. Having sex outside of commitment hurts. Period. (I’ll link to my TedTalk on tolerance for virginity at the end of this comment.)

      Sex is more fulfilling if you are married and in a committed relationship. It’s more about commitment and communication than hot bods! Are there married people who are not happy in their sex lives? Yes, but the overwhelming evidence suggests that they are either not healed from past sexual wounds or are currently experiencing some level of marital infidelity. The common denominator is sin. When we sin, we hurt. That’s why God hates sin so much. He created you for one lifetime mutually monogamous sexual relationship. It’s your choice, but waiting is a good and worthy one. Here’s my TedTalk. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C24CmKxRPdQ

  • My 16 year old is struggling not with the choice to have or not have sex but with her sexuality period. She feels she doesn’t gif in because all her friends have boyfriends. She became friends with a girl who ended up telling my daughter she fell for her and my daughter felt needed, wanted. After some time we were able to find out enough to convince my daughter it was a toxic relationship. The other girl was very possessive. We’ve recently discovered that hey have been talking again and the other girl even had my daughter lie to us about it for 5 months. The other girl did initiate more intimate relations with my daughter. We’ve again stepped in but I don’t know how or what to say to my daughter so as not to make her feel ashamed. We love her and know wharves Bible teaches but how do you broach such a delicate subject without creating a mess? I’m heartbroken and am in constant angst. I pray and pray for guidance and for my daughter.

    • Dawn, this may feel counterintuitive and you should certainly ask for godly counsel from people you know but…maybe you should back off of the issue of her sexuality/gender/same-sex-attraction. It is volatile, I’m sure. And it might be helpful to just disarm the emotional explosions by getting down to relationship rules in general. As a sixteen year old, you have a right to speak into her guidelines for living. No matter her sexual preference, you could possibly confront her on the fact that you cannot condone and support a sexual relationships of any kind and that there will be consequences if she pursues it. If she was interested in a boy and he was pursuing her sexually to take advantage of her…would you get in the way? (Some dads would say they would “kill” that guy. How is this different. (Don’t kill anyone. Or threaten to do it.) Just go stand strong for her. Protect her. Wait for the right time to tackle the issue of sexual identity. It might not be now.

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