Friends With Benefits Scientifically Impossible

Urban dictionary dot com defines friends with benefits as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.”

But…scientifically…that’s impossible.

Let me introduce you to the deep limbic system.

The deep limbic system of your brain is the emotional center of you being. It, not your heart, is where your emotion is stored. This part of the brain also stores sexual memory. It gets tuned in to a splash of cologne, a great love song, and the physical act of sex. One of the nuerochemicals released during sex is dopamine. Dopamine makes you feel good; it creates a simultaneous sense of peace and pleasure. Anytime your body experiences pleasure—whether good or bad—the limbic system gets wash with this chemical, which causes you to crave more of what you just had. In essence, it creates addiction. Dopamine attaches you emotionally to the source of pleasure. Even if it’s “just a friend.” And there’s more.

A chemical called “oxytocin” is also released during sexual expression ranging from intimate skin-to-skin contact to orgasm. This is a strong bonding chemical. An emotional glue. (Also present when a mother breast feeds her baby. Thus, bonding her to her new child.)

What I’m saying is that you get “addicted” and “bonded” to the people you have sex with. Like it or not. Believe it or not.

After twelve years of counseling sexually active teens, I’m certain that there is a chemical bond created between two people who have sex—whether you consider yourself just friends or you’ve been emotionally attached. There’s no way around it. Having sex bonds you to someone.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “Do you not now that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’” Lauren Winner, author of Real Sex, says Paul is really saying, “Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not?”

Friends with benefits?

A myth.

It looks like—according to science—we were created to be monogamous!

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  • Thanks so much for putting this out there! I first heard of “friends with benefits” and talked to my child about it and HE already knew of it. I was shocked we really need to be informed and talk with our kids honestly. I love your website and books!

  • Your ministry blesses me incredibly. Thank you for telling it like it is!! I look forward to reading your book when it comes out Jan 18th! 🙂

  • Of COURSE having sex bonds you with a person!! How did a person STAY MARRIED for FIFTY+ YEARS before the late 60s….the best couples are 2 people that saved themselves…they have the BEST SEX!! with the big ‘O’ almost every night!! (they had to be quiet ’cause it’ll wake the kids)

  • At work all I hear about is on quote, this is what I was hearing about at lunch, “was out late last night having wild sex and dancing on the coffee table”
    And then I hear “It was a coffee date with benefits”

    I hear things like that and I cringe inside. These people are so lost! I don’t know them well and we’re not close or anything, but I hurt for them still. They are looking for something more and looking in all the wrong places — even as old as some of them are…I find it really sad and the gift of sex that God gave for a husband and wife to share is constantly abused!

    I also hate seeing what it does to these people…they might feel whole or filled for a moment…but it doesn’t last long and they end up broken.

    Thank you for writing this! I’m looking to share with my co-workers! 🙂

  • I have definitely learned a lot from Dannah Gresh. I specifically was inspired by the understanding that we all are meant to be monogamous.
    Then I thought, what about the different men in the old testament, including Solomon, that more than one wife?
    I am a little confused but sure there is more to learn…..


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