Single Desire: How Can I Be Protected By Strong Man?

87590Are you tired of guys wanting to just “hang out?” Do you wish someone would tell them to “man up” and ask you on a real, live date with food and a car and…gosh…maybe you even secretly hope he might open a car door for you?

You’re not alone.

From The New York Times to Huff Post, the word is out: dating is dead.

“Hanging out” is in.

And single women are underwhelmed.

In a culture that constantly celebrates women’s independence and the ability to be on an equal playing field on the dating scene, isn’t it strange that the most talked about movie of 2015 is a one that celebrates bondage? With Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson recently wrapping Fifty Shades of Grey, all of a sudden, words like “submission,” “master”, and “obedience” are not only acceptable but sexy. Even, Barbara Walters, one of the most liberal women in the media is talking about the thrill of a strong man.

After reading the series Walters stated, “It…raises the question about whether or not women like to be submissive. That’s the theme of the book.”

But since when did Prince Charming start carrying handcuffs? This seems to have come out of left field. But it hasn’t really. The mantra that “you don’t need a man” has created a culture of strong women and weak men. For so long we’ve told them, “Step aside, I can take care of myself!” Now, we are starved for the thing our independence has destroyed—strong confident men.

Young twenty-somethings ask their boyfriends, “Why won’t you lead?” Then, when they show strength, “You can lead but not THAT way!”

Maybe. Just maybe. It’s not all the guys’ fault.

Solving the “weak man” problem in your dating life is impossible unless you embrace God’s plan for submission. (And not the kind that involves gags and ties. Fixing the problem that way is like treating obesity with anorexia!) If the idea of biblical submission ruffles your feathers, I understand. Me too. When Bob and I were figuring out our roles with each other, I was starved for a strong man but using all my own strength to tear him down. Then, one day I tried just following. It was an experiment really. I wanted to see what happened in his heart (and mine) if I just stopped being so strong. I waited for him to call me. Let him pick where we eated. Waited for him to open the door for me. And in doing so, I saw his heart grow strong. He liked it. I liked it. I lost none of my strength and his was honored. What I learned is this: it’s the little things that count. So, here are a few little things to insert into your relationships with guys that may help you both figure out what real strength and submission looks like.

Let him initiate. If he can’t take the role to lead now, what makes you think he’ll do it after you’re married? Conversely, if you can’t let him lead now, what makes you think it’ll be easier then? While this doesn’t exclude you from decision making and some initiation as the relationship grows, it does set a good pace. Real men initiate. Let him be real.

Let him pay. I’m always surprised when I hear young independent women assert themselves financially. As if they’ll be losing something if he gets to fork out some cash for a burger and fries! Really? Just let him do it. It’s a small thing that sets a good pace. Does it mean you’ll always let him pay? Naw. But if he’s initiated the date, let him pay for it.

Let him open the door for you. In a society that laments, “Where have all the good men gone” we have to ask ourselves if we’ve given them room to be good. Goodness is the quality that makes us put others ahead of ourselves. It’s the moral compass that keeps ups safe, happy, and working. It’s the drive that makes us function in families rather than in isolation. It’s the internal road sign that drives us away from our own desires and towards the meeting of the needs of others. Let him open the door. It’s goodness in action.

Let him lead the pace of your physical romance. Of course, this is granted that he does not press towards your physical boundaries or move too quickly. I’m not saying that you should just give in to anything he wants, but don’t control him with a kiss. (See? When I put it that way, it sounds so bad. And it is.) Teasing is just not kind. It can have the same kind of sexual ruin as moving along too quickly as it sets the pace for all sorts of sexual game-playing when you’re married. If enough time has passed and you think you’re in for the long haul, honor his lead when he reaches over to offer a tender kiss. (And make sure he keeps it tender.)

The goal of submission is power, not weakness. Many believe that God tells women to submit in marriage because he wants them to be weak, but I believe it’s the opposite. Women have incredible power in relationships. They must decide to build their man up. Or tear him down. Our culture has embraced the foolishness of using power in women to destroy the strength and valor of men. God’s designed us not to take power from men but to channel it with out own. I believe his plan works. Why don’t you start experimenting with your own power, but letting him lead in the little things.

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  • Read this article atleast 3 times and totally agree!! I so desire a man (in the near future hopefully) that will be the man, and initiate etc, but also that I may be a good and godly wife to him. Thank you Mrs. Gresh for this article. love it 🙂

  • You ask how a woman can be protected by a strong man, but your piece don’t answer it.
    Dominance/ leading is not protection. Anyone who knows the direction to go can lead, and I’ve seen women getting very manipulative when they know the right thing to do, the man does not, and they feel it is not their place to lead.
    Dominance is worse: While we all need leading sometimes – men do too – dominating, being a master is what Jesus tells Christians not to be or do!
    If a man need to tie up a woman to get her to go his way, he is really not a good leader, but a rapist at heart. (Christian from 50 Shades of Grey actually does rape Anastasia, says people who have read the book. – When she breaks up with him because of the demands in his “contract” he wants her to sign, he waits for her inside her home, ignores her “no” and rapes her.) This kind of dominance is the opposite of protection: He hits and rapes her, he does not stop her from experiencing physical pain or sexual violence.
    Bodyguards, on the other hand, protect without leading. It is not the bodyguard but the guarded person who decide where to go, who to speak to, etc.
    Protection and leading are not synonymous. Without calling your ideas bad, I want to tell you they get a woman led, not protected. In practical terms, the only guy to have opened doors for me never protected me from the lies he told. And other guys who took initiative and tried pushing me into getting more physically intimate did not protect me from anything either.

    • I agree with you that rape and dominance are very very very bad. But I do think that leadership can be protective.

      • It can. And fruit juice can be yellow. But if I want someone to drink fruit juice, I won’t advise them to “drink something yellow.” Many yellow drinks are not fruit juice, and many men who initiate are not protective.

        (I take back that your article does not answer about protection – it is likely that a guy who cares in little things like paying for a meal and opening doors would be more protective, so those points hold. It is just the points on leading that does not necessarily correlate with protection.)

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