Single Girl, Pick Your Fight! [VIDEO]

mouthDear Single Girl:

You have a battle ahead. To live a life of purity in this world will not be easy. The rhetoric will hurt you. Boys will hurt you. Even friends will turn on you.  You’ll be accused of “repression” and “small-mindedness.” When you defend your virginity, you’ll be called “frigid.” Your sexuality may even be questioned. Sometimes you’ll be fighting the battle alone when everyone else is at the party.

It’ll get lonely.

That’s why today I want to challenge you to pick your fight! What I have to say is not for the faint of heart, so just close this page right now if you don’t have what it takes to fight FOR Jesus…and FOR yourself. But if you’re in for the win, read on.

This blog is not about the virtue of virginity. It’s for those who already believe in it and want some ammunition for the fight. (If you need a reminder, start here and learn more about sex in nine minutes than you ever have before.)

Let’s start with I Timothy 6:12:

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

Drink it in. Eat it up. It’s soul food for the battle-weary soldier. This morning I found it right after I’d taken a hit in the fight.

What was the hit?

Nothing new or different really. Just a snarky comment on a blog I wrote answering the question “How Can I Satisfy My Sexual Desire If I’m Destined For Singleness?” The blog encouraged women not to compromise sexually even if marriage didn’t seem to be in the picture anytime soon. The comment read:

‘It’s laughably easy for you to say bring [sic] married, and quite frankly quite patronising [sic]. I would not want to spend any time listening to you on your high horse to be honest. You have no idea of the pain and agony a single woman doing the “right” thing goes through daily. Pure torture.’

I moderated the comment as “approved” and went off to lick my wound. Frankly, it was a paper cut. Snarky comments don’t hurt deeply, but I’d much rather read an intelligent, legitimate disagreement or question written in humility rather than prideful resistance. As I pondered the comment, I started my morning pilates routine while I watched a Beth Moore video I’d been meaning to view. Her Passion 2014 message spoke to me in more ways than one so I’ll embed it below. As fired up as I was by what Beth was bringing to life in my soul, I was still troubled over the comment. I wasn’t troubled BY the young women who wrote it but FOR her. Couldn’t get it out of my head that her anger was simply directed at the wrong person.

“I’m on your side, for crying out loud!” I wanted to write back.

And then—as if dear wonderful Beth were listening to the conversation in my head—came I Timothy 6:12. “Fight the good fight.” She went on to explain that the word good in this passage can also be translated beautiful. (I checked. She was right. Of course!) The good fight is also a beautiful fight.

Fight the beautiful fight, single girl.

However difficult the fight for purity may be…however long God chooses for you to fight it…whatever hard things come your way, if you fight on the right side, it will be a beautiful fight! (My thoughts,  not Beths.)

And then Beth warned: be careful when you pick your fight!


That’s it.

And here’s the hard part, so have some tough skin for just a moment.

Some of you are fighting the wrong fight.

Here is where I’m holding on to my integrity by NOT sharing as much of something as I want to share. Oh Jesus, let me hold tight!!! I really want to insert a link to a blog by one of the smartest young women in Christianity. I find her adorable and intelligent, but not always right. She recently interviewed one of her previous college professors to defend her liberal view that “cross-gender” friendships after marriage should be encouraged. She says it is a sign of “weakness” to avoid having lunch with a guy friend just because you’re married to another one. The professor argued that in regards to cross-gender friendships, it is “wise discernment” to chose exclusive deep friendship with only your husband or wife after marriage. (So, no lunch alone with a guy friend when your married to another one.)

Do you see it? Instead of fighting FOR herself and her marriage, she is fighting against wise authorities in her life.

That’s not a good fight or a beautiful fight.

It’s a fight that’s ugly.. and could only get uglier!

Be careful when you choose your battle, my friend.

Are you ever guilty of picking the wrong fight?

Maybe as you read this, you’re angry at your parents for their “stupid rules” about guys. Or rebelling against the wisdom of dating guidelines at your Christian high school or university. Maybe you are an older single woman trying to compromise on sexology theology by finding creative ways to express yourself sexually. (Shall I also mention writing snarky comments on my blog?)

Don’t get me wrong.

There is room for disagreement.

I’m open to the conversation and, though I try desperately to be biblically sound and correct in what I present to you, I’m not afraid to be wrong sometimes. I approve every comment on my blogs unless they are profrane or link to content I deem inappropriate. Let’s debate it out and find the Truth together, but oh don’t make the mistake of fighting against those that are fighting FOR you! We’re in this battle together. As long as we fight FOR and WITH each other, the enemy stays squarely locked in our cross hairs as opposed to us in his. (And I know something about the bruises and brokenness from being in the bullseye of his cross hairs, my friend. I was fighting the wrong battle long ago and it’s why I fight so hard beside you today.)

I’m FOR you.

Your parents are FOR you.

Your leaders are FOR you.

Pick your fight well.


I invite you to leave comments below with your indifference or questions about sexuality and biblical sexual theology. (But don’t get snarky or stupid. I’m going to refrain from approving those comments. Seeking only intelligent disagreement and dialogue.)

Beth Moore inspired this blog today by the video below. She did not approve or review this blog, nor posit specifically the thoughts about sexual purity in connection to her exposition on I Timothy 6:12. Here is her full video from Passion 2014. You might consider signing up for Passion 2015 this January.

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  • Great words of truth. Thank you for your fight for women to remain pure. I am fighting FOR college girls right now. Speaking in 3 weeks. Do you have one or two articles that you could point me to to share with them? I’m talking about WHY to remain pure and how having sex does more damage than they know (bonding to the other person whether you think you are or not) and how God gives us boundaries for our protection. Any blog posts you could point me to? Thank you again for fighting for them!

    • I would recommend you read my book “What are you waiting for: the one thing no one tells you about sex.” It talks about the bonding impact of sex. Another place to explore this would be through my Ted Talk. Here’s a link to it. From a scientific point of view, it outlines the bonding impact of sex.

  • As a single woman nearing the age of 40 a large part of the battle is how to remain pure and not become bitter. As a teen I remember hearing all of the advice on waiting for your husband. I remember hoping and dreaming for a husband. I read countless books on understanding men in preparation for marriage and books on how to be a godly wife. It is hard when purity is linked to marriage when you are young. I think that it is hard to unlink the two when you are older and single with a strong desire but no evidence of marriage in the near future.

    • Lee, this is the great heart break of my life call. I’ve been—for two or three years—trying to shift the modesty and purity movement. The goal of these lifestyles is not to get married. It is obedience.

      • I completely agree. Yet, I also believe now, from watching one of your Get Lost videos, that there is a link between purity and marriage. Purity is not linked to a promise of marriage but it is definitely linked to intimacy in marriage. Honoring God is a worthy goal of purity. His ways bring blessings that I am not fully aware of. I think living a life of purity really comes down to trust. Can God be trusted even when my senses are telling me otherwise?

  • ive learned God not giving me sex is His protection. if I had been (I have been unfortunately) more active than I had been I might have had a breakdown. I was not mature or ready to handle a real relationship, I had an absentee abusive dad and many girls cant handle it.I used to feel sad about this in the past, and fight this saying I can handle anything. byt the truth is I cannot. im not ready And God didn’t wantvme to ruin my life bc there are things I have to do that He wants me to accomplish. today im honest. sex is not for sissys and neither is staying pure forever. but being in a relationship without being ready causes more heartache and is downright dangerous.

  • Wow! Thank you so much! It can be so hard to find contentment in singleness…and to fight against sin and what society says is “good”. It can be hard especially at a secular college when the Godly guys are few and far between, and all of your friends are dating and you’re *still* single. It’s lonely and it hurts. But knowing that contentment is to be found in the Lord and fighting for our hearts to be pure and glorifying to God is a source of comfort. It’s still hard, yes. But knowing that God has a plan for us, whether that’s singleness forever or to someday be married, His plans cannot be thwarted.

  • Thank you for fighting for truth, Dannah. Recently, however, I’ve been thinking about this analogy that Christians use to explain the Christian life, the analogy of following Christ as a “battle.”

    And I’ve been thinking more and more, how can this analogy be tempered by Jesus’ words in Matthew chapter 11?

    He says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

    I often don’t really believe him when I read that. I think to myself: but pursing Godliness is a struggle. It’s a battle. It’s not easy.

    I don’t mean to say that it won’t be beautiful, as Beth Moore points out the language implies in 1 Tim 6:12.

    I just wonder sometimes, where is the rest Jesus is talking about? Is he to be trusted? How can this be a battle and rest at the same time?

    • Ah, this is the thing, isn’t it. Finding the peace. And the paradox of the scriptures is that it is often found in surrounding circumstances that war against the resting. I think maybe a part of the answer lies in the fact that the peace and joy and other intangibles are SPIRITUAL REALITIES. The stress of work, loneliness in relationships, and other things are very real PHYSICAL REALITIES. The training of a believer is to learn to think outside the very strong paradigm of the physical world so we can enter into the spiritual one. I know I’m still learning to rest. To find his yoke easy. Learn along with me. I do think he can be trusted.

  • Hey Dannah!! I just read this article and it was exactly what I needed! I am a pastors kid (my parents have pastures for 17years almost) and I have grown up in an Assemblies of God church. I’m 15yrs old going on 16 in February… I’m a sophomore in high school and the “single girl fight” is very very hard. I parents as well as my grandparents(who also pastor a church) have always told me “never date someone you wouldn’t marry”… And so I have carried that with me and honestly I’m not dating right now because I don’t Desire a boyfriend. But there is this guy who has been pursuing me but I know that he’s not anyone I would ever marry he’s a sweet guy but he hasn’t really taken the time to get to know me… He just wanted me to be his girlfriend a few days after he had started talking to me. We have gone to school together since 6th grade an he’s super sweet as I said but we are just so different and I don’t want to break his heart but I also don’t want to guilt myself into dating him. I’m not entirely sure what I should do. I want a guy who is after God/on fire for God like I am and who wants to chase after God with me… I am reading your book get lost right now and that’s helping me as well but I just need some insight and direction and I would love to hear your thought and opinion .

    • Don’t settle. Be kind to this guy but you have NO OBLIGATION TO LIKE HIM BACK! At the age of 15, it’s perfectly acceptable to just tell him that you’re really trying to get in a great place with God and a relationship isn’t in the plans for right now.

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